NightLink II: A Response To My "Open Letter" Post

A couple of days ago, after the hangover (literally and figuratively) from the loss to the Atlanta Falcons wore off, I posted an open letter to the Bears.  Within a short period of time, I received a response in my email.  It was a great response, and provided several smiles along the way reading it. 

Note: This letter is intended for satirical purposes only.

Dear Bears Fan:

Thank you for your letter to us. We appreciate the input from our fans.

We understand that you have your grievances regarding the game against the Atlanta Falcons at the Georgia Dome. However, we have some complaints regarding your views on your beloved team.

Chicago is a blue-collar town, and throughout their history, the Bears have been an extension of that town. Our methods have won us more games than any other NFL franchise in history and more NFL titles than every team except our cheesehead neighbors in Wisconsin. So what if only one of those titles came during the Super Bowl era? We believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

In a town where meatpacking was once a prominent industry, we have butchered more quarterbacks than we can count. Unfortunately, Sid Luckman and Jim McMahon survived our slaughterhouses, and as such, have become the bar by which the fanbase views all of its other signal-callers. Eric Kramer managed to join them at first, but he eventually succumbed just like all the others. Even in spite of those miscues, there is no reason to worry. Combine the meat grinder that is the Bears picky fanbase with questionable draft selections, free agency pickups, and plain old bad luck, and you have the kind of environment in which no one can star.

We have no need for drafting good first-round picks, especially high first-round picks. That would be sensible, not to mention bringing in white-collar guys in a blue-collar town. Instead, our general manager/home-grown robot, the Angelotron, is specially trained to pay special attention to the later rounds, finding gold in the more blue-collar stock.

Also, we have no need for fancy-schmancy vertical passing games and other daring offensive schemes that tap into Jay Cutler's immense talent. Instead, we're content to keep the same old vanilla schemes under the guise that it helps control Cutler's urges to make big plays, as well as commit big mistakes. You have to admit, it's really clever.

And why change the coaching? Lovie Smith is 50-39 with the staff he's been given. He's doing better than a lot of other legends were at that point in their careers. So what if he's only 35-35 if you take away the NFC Championship season? So what if he's not doing his best? He's still doing better than Jim Zorn.

By the way, if you're wondering about the trade, Angelotron had a malfunction right around April Fools Day. Rest assured that we are severly disciplining him for acquiring the most diva-like player in the most diva-like position imaginable, and are doing everything possible to rectify the situation.

And be thankful that the team even has a winning record this season, let alone has all those championships. The Cubs haven't won any of the last 100 World Series. The Bulls have been amongst the elite since Michael Jordan left. Heck, there have been days around here where we couldn't win a coin flip. But maybe some appreciation of history will change your mind.

Have fun enjoying the rest of the season.

Sincerely, 

The Chicago Bears.