Why There Are No Good Teams In The NFL

Since everyone seems so focused on coming up with reasons why the Bears are no good, I figured that since there are flaws with every team (and since the league is so weird this year - I mean the Chiefs and Rams? Really?), we might as well take a look at all these flaws.

Let's start this by divisions.

AFC East

New England Patriots - They had that great run when they found out Tom Brady was actually pretty good, and almost took down the annoying '72 Dolphins undefeated record. But come on. Randy Moss? Spygate? Stealing Justin Beiber's hair? Karma is coming, New England, and it looks something like this.

New York Jets - I like them. They remind me a lot of the Bears back in their Super Bowl days - run the ball, play good defense and don't let your quarterback screw you up, and have a member of the Ryan family tree as a coach. However, they let Doug Plank go. Doug Plank will not let this slight go. For that, the Jets will lose.

Miami Dolphins - 1972 alone should be enough karma to ensure the Dolphins never win again. However, the Dolphins don't need karma to lose, especially when they think this guy can beat the Bears.

Buffalo Bills - Because God is clearly against them.

AFC South

Indianapolis Colts - Because if any quarterback that has ten interceptions this early in the season sucks, like Jay Cutler, then Peyton Manning is a horrible quarterback.

Tennessee Titans - Any team that has had or acquired Randy Moss this year has struggled winning at some point. Since Tennessee currently has Randy Moss, and they had a hard time winning anyway, it's no wonder they're struggling. That 2500's looking harder and harder, eh, CJ? Oh, and their quarterback is named Rusty Smith.

Jacksonville Jaguars - Any team that has a logo so... involved and complicated can't possibly be a good team. And, they gave up 42 points to the Chiefs

Houston Texans - Because Andre Johnson decided this was a good idea.

AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers - Because if God didn't hate the Bills, you would have lost. To Buffalo. And you would have scored 16 points. Against Buffalo.

Cleveland Browns - That was a good tough game against Carolina. Which is exactly why you aren't a good team: Because you had a good tough game against Carolina.

Cincinnati Bengals - I don't know if I should cite the 2-9 record, the 163-yard effort against the Jets, the loss to, um, the Bills, or the karmic backlash from this.

Baltimore Ravens - Last year Ray Rice, Willis McGahee and Le'Ron McClain had 21 rushing TDs. This year, Rice, McGahee and Joe Flacco have only 8 rushing TDs. Clearly Anquan Boldin is ruining their offense and making them one-dimensional. This needs to stop.

AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs - Clearly Tyler Thigpen leaving them has harmed the team irreparably. But if that doesn't mean anything, I mean, teams with five wins or less the season before can't make the playoffs, right? But, I see more of this in the Chiefs' future than playoffs. I mean, three seasons with less than five wins. In a row. That can't possibly mean success.

San Diego Chargers - Haven't we seen this before? Start slow, build up great, look like world beaters... then this happens.

Oakland Raiders - I don't know where to go with this. I mean, Al Davis hasn't learned anything about football in thirty years, and yet he's still going to outlive me.

Denver Broncos - Because if all Orton does is win, nothing can possibly explain why they're 3-8.

NFC West

St Louis Rams - Because leading the NFC West is like being the hottest girl at the club... after six beers and they just announced last call. And they're below .500 to boot.

San Francisco 49ers - Cannot play with 'em! Cannot win with 'em! Cannot coach with 'em! Thanks for proving it, Coach Samurai.

Seattle Seahawks - Yeah, they're up with the Rams at the top. See the Rams comment. Plus, they're surrounded by Starbucks. That means they're wired and wide awake, sure, but that doesn't mean they're good. Plus, Starbucks coffee sucks. There, I said it. Starbucks sucks. By transition, the Seahawks suck.

Arizona Cardinals - When Max Hall is your quarterback, this becomes highly appropriate.

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Please explain to me why you need to beat the Rams by one, the Bengals by three and the Cardinals by 3. Plus, these alone should be karma enough.

Atlanta Falcons - So you beat Green Bay and New Orleans. You have a +11 turnover differential. Whatever. Let me know when you do this.

Carolina Panthers - I almost feel bad about doing this one so I'll keep it short... Okay, I'm done.

New Orleans Saints - Did you know that in the Three Musketeers, the fleur-de-lis (that thing on the Saints' helmets) is used to brand criminals? There you go. The Saints are criminals.

NFC East

New York Giants - If Peyton Manning's not very good, well crap, I guess his little brother's not good for much either? To me, he'll always be the guy the Giants gave up Mouth-Eyes for. They have a package of four defensive ends called the NASCAR package, and NASCAR to me is nothing but the People Driving Left league, meaning that the team will do nothing but go in circles.

Philadelphia Eagles - Well hell, they lost to the Bears. If that doesn't mean anything, what does?

Washington Redskins - The Redskins traded for Donovan McNabb, a guy that didn't even know ties could happen, and signed Rex Grossman as backup. So you decided to pin your hopes for the year on a guy that doesn't know the rules and a guy who barely knows how to catch a snap. Actually... That sounds perfect for the Redskins.

Dallas Cowboys - You know, I almost forgot about them. To save myself some work, I think this says it all.

NFC North

Detroit Lions - They've made it far too easy over the years, so I probably can't re-use Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, 0-16, the horrific back seven, Stafford's shoulder, Matt Millen, the lineman with a girl's name, Mike Williams... Well, I guess they share a town with the Red Wings, and I guess the Lions had to balance them out... Nope, wait, I got it. Remember when this guy guaranteed ten wins? Good times.

Minnesota Vikings - Well guys, I don't know how I'm going to get through this without saying his name, but remember that quarterback who the coach, who is now fired, sent three players, including the kicker who played with him in his first stop in the league, to fetch him like a lost piece of luggage after he had trouble again deciding if he wanted to come back and play? Yeah, I don't think anyone wants to remember either. Just remember two things. They wear purple, and that guy's karmic backlash is mighty strong.

Green Bay Packers - This is too easy. Their linemen don't block well, their tight ends are all injured, their quarterback has a future only in pornography, and did I mention their fans aren't too bright? Plus, this is no contest. And wrong. I mean, Staley is only the two seed?

Chicago Bears - I think I'll defer to people much smarter than me on this one.

<em>This FanPost was written by a Windy City Gridiron member, and does not necessarily reflect the ideas or opinions of its staff or community.</em>

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