How the Grinches Stole the Christmas Game

(All apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Cheeseheads
Up in Wisconsin
Liked the Packers a lot...

But the Bears,
Who lived just South of 'Sconnie...
Did NOT!

The Bears hated Cheeseheads! And most of this season!
Now, please don't ask why, since we all know the reasons.
It could be that Cutler's thumb sits in a cast.
It could be that Angelo sucks at the draft.
But I think that the reason things got so off track
Is simply that Hanie is a bad quarterback.

But,
Whatever the reason,
GM? Quarterback?
The Bears stood there fuming, and hating the Pack!
Staring up from Chicago, with an Urlacher frown,
At the Green and Gold windows up in Titletown.
The Bears knew the Cheeseheads thought the Pack had 'em beat,
They were eying the playoffs! They were thinking "repeat!"

"They are shining their trophies!" Lovie said in his drawl.
"But the season's not over - it's not over at all!"
Then he sighed, though his mouth had its typical grin.
"I MUST find a way to not let the Pack win!"
For, on Sunday, he knew...

...All the Pack girls and boys
Would be watching at seven, each one filled up with joy!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
It was hard on his O-line! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Cheeseheads, young and old, would fill up the cold stands.
With foam cheese on their heads and a beer for each hand.
They would shout at the coin-flip, they would cheer through the end.
It was hard to play offense! It was hard to defend!

And THEN
They'd do something Lovie liked least of all!
Every Packer and Cheesehead, the tall and the small,
Would stand in their seats, with the game all but done.
They would laugh at his Bears! They would have all their fun!

They'd laugh! And they'd laugh!
AND they'd LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH! LAUGH!
The more Lovie thought of his season - so lame!
The more the coach thought, "We just must win this game!"
"Since the playoffs last year, they've been saying 'We're better!'
I MUST win this game!
We will stomp on their cheddar!"

Then he got an idea!
A wonderful idea!
LOVIE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Lovie said, monotoned.
And he ran to his office, got right on the phone.
It rang just one time, because Martz quickly answered.
Lovie told him quite plainly, "Your O's a disaster!"

"All we need is some points..."
And Lovie went to hang up.
His plan would sure work, with a slight bit of luck.
While his QB was sidelined, after KC we know,
the Pack O-line's collapsing - they barely could throw!
Lovie drew up his defense with a pass-rush in mind,
His plan would be sure to put the Pack in a bind!

THEN
They loaded the bus
And went north to Green Bay.
With all the Bear players
hoping the Pack would soon pay.

Lovie said, "Giddyap!"
And the buses set forth.
Through the land filled with Cheeseheads
Way up there in the North.

Through the windows in towns they could see the pregame,
With the talking heads talking all about the Bears' shame,
And going on rants all about the Pack's fame!
When they got to the hotel, just outside of Green Bay,
Lovie thought back to his very first day.

The coach summoned the players to give them one last speech,
He put it quite simply: "This game's not out of reach!
We all know the Packers, with their record so grand,
But we know we can beat them - let me show you my plan!"
Players circled round him in a rather large hoard,
And Enderle passed them his trusty clipboard.

The defense was drawn up to take the Pack down,
The offense was simple - even for Josh McCown!
Peppers, Urlacher, the fast Devin Hester,
Would be the ones getting touchdowns - Gould would get the points after.
Rodgers' plan to hang up yet another Bear pelt,
Would be all smashed to bits! They would take his big belt!

The Packers would slink off the field in shame!
The Bears took all their glory - they tarnished their names!
They would clean up in Lambeau just like they've done before,
The Pack say they're the champs, but just check out the score.
Their run game will dry up. That pass? Incomplete.
They'll be watching their backs, not saying "Repeat!"

They players all left and went up to their rooms,
When a strange thing appeared to come out of the gloom.
Lovie turned around fast, and from out the room's back,
Walked up Cindy-Lou Pack, who smelled faint of Jack.

She had heard Lovie's speech, and seen all of his plan.
A copy was crumpled up, clutched in her hand!
She stared at the coach, saying, "Lovie, you're silly!
You cannot fool Rodgers - he's not Favre, that hillbilly!"

But, you know old Lovie, mouth froze in a smile,
he told Cindy-Lou Pack, "We'll find out in a while.
Why my sweet, drunken lady, you can steal our scheme -
It's the same Cover 2 that can make the Pack scream!"
Poor Cindy-Lou stumbled, walking out the place,
Leaving Lovie Smith standing, the same grin on his face.

It was a quarter to seven...
The fans so cold, they said, "Burr!"
The coin flip went well:
Of course, Lovie deferred.
The Pack had the ball, and the Cheeseheads all cheered,
Assured that the Bears would get beat by them twice in one year!

On the visitors' sideline, which doesn't have heat,
The Bears all stood hungry, not admitting defeat!
"Pooh-pooh to win two," the Bears grinch-ishly said,
"Lose twice to the Pack? We would rather be dead!
They'll soon see what happens when your ego gets bruised,
Though our QB's a joke, and our O-line is too,
We'll squeeze this one out, just to hear your fans boo!"

"That's a noise," grinned the Bears, "That we most want to hear!"
So they sent out their defense, with the first snap now near.
The fans' cheers were rising when Rodgers threw his first pass,
But the ball was off-course, the receiver off-track!

The sound wasn't sad yet,
But then, on third and ten,
Rodgers stood in the pocket,
Until he met his friend - the defensive end!

Cheeseheads stared down in Lambeau -
The ball loose in the fray!
It bounced right to a Bear,
Number 71 - Idonije!

The fumble recovered, it was returned for a score!
The next time on defense? The Bears did it once more!
The Bears offense? It faltered, throwing footballs for picks,
But the Bears' D kept on getting it back just as quick!

The Bears had stopped Rodgers, they had silenced the din -
With the Bears' D so fierce, they benched Rodgers for Flynn!
The D kept on scoring, but don't forget special teams -
With a sweet Hester run-back, shooting right up the seam!

Every Cheesehead in Green Bay, the ones sitting at home,
They let out a Boo! And they gave a huge groan!
They consoled themselves saying they were still #1.
But the game was now over - the Bears somehow had won!

Lovie's look didn't change for the game's whole three hours,
But his grin grew a bit wider while the Cheeseheads turned sour.
He stood watching his team while they ran up the score,
Thinking back on a speech from 2004:
"Who cares about playoffs? Or Jay Cutler's thumb?
Beating Green Bay was always goal number one.
So with all apologies to Cindy-Lou Pack,
If the Cheeseheads are booing, then we're on the right track!"

And what happened then...?
Well, in Chicago they knew
Even if the Bears won
That their season was through.
But Bears fans forgot about all of that stuff -
The Bears beat the Pack! That was more than enough!
While Christmas means more than just presents and toys,
The gift-wrapped Bears win brought the whole city joy!
The coach had said little when the team made it back,
But Lovie...

...LOVIE'S BEARS...!
They had carved up the Pack!