As the Ditka Turns

As the signing frenzy begins this week - already we're inundated with updates, undrafted free agent signings, rumors, etc - let's wander behind Oz's curtain for a bit of levity and Ditka-related lunacy (warning: may or may include actual humor).

Playergeddon Free Agent Frenzy Footballpocalypse is upon us, with the craziest week in the history of offseason sports. This is bigger than the summer of LeChoke, Lance Armstrong's annual urine test, and Terrence Cody all rolled into one. Rather than contribute to your sleep deprivation, detriorating work performance, and internet rumor-mongering obsession, let's have a little fun, shall we? 

As the Ditka Turns details little-known (and barely researched) purported factual information about our beloved Coach - no, not Lovie, you fool, I'm talking bout the ONLY Coach worth mentioning since Papa Bear: Michael Keller Ditka, Jr.

- Did you know Ditka sells wine, including the ever popular Kick Ass Red.

- Ditka's original last name? Dyczko

- The reason the Sphinx has no nose? The Egyptians carved a Ditka-stache underneath it, but it couldn't carry the weight.

- Ditka ghostwrote this movie scene and personally checked that all mustaches in Super Troopers were not harmed during the making of that movie.

- The reason Ditka traded his whole draft for Ricky Williams? Because they said he couldn't.

- Jim Harbaugh spent his rookie season as Ditka's personal water boy.

- The classic "Rosebud" scene from Citizen Kane was much different during shooting - Orson Welles kept muttering "Ditka" take after take, much to the confusion of the entire crew.

- If you visit one of Ditka's restaurants, the most popular item to order is off-the-menu, called a "Nitschke," and includes braised eel in a cheddar sauce, served with a complimentary head slap.

- Dave Wannstedt was hired because it was hoped players would think Ditka was still coaching and be inspired.

- Ditka is so powerful, he sneezed in 1981 and caused the Great Chicago Fire of 1871.

BONUS Jerry Angelo Incompetency Quiz

True or False: Angelo once tried to sell his soul to the devil for being the most intelligent General Manager in the NFL. The deal fell through when he forgot to phone in the deal, and the devil realized even he couldn't make Angelo great.