Ten Commandments for Camping in Bear Country
(as adapted from http://freshare.net/article/ten_commandments_for_camping_in_bear_country/#.UJkg2G_A81d)
"Bear country." What mental image does that phrase conjure up for you? A fernchoked valley in the Appalachian Mountains? A high meadow in the Rockies? Charles "Peanut" Tillman? Opposing NFL teams have developed a set of rules for camping in Bear territory.
Illinois is home to da’ Bear population. In Chicago they are an increasingly common sight as well as on national television. The average Bear is becoming more adept at thievery.
Bear thievery has been confirmed in every city, ranging as far north as Green Bay to as far south as Dallas. Although the human population in Green Bay is relatively sparse, the likelihood of human-Bear encounters increases annually.
Most Bear encounters are brief. NFL opponents have become instinctively afraid of da’ Bears and now tremble when they realize Peanut Tillman is nearby – they know how dangerous this hungry Bear can become.
"If a Bear is hungry enough and smells something that is tempting enough, it will attack, even if it knows opposing players are around," said Matt Hasslebeck of the Tennessee Titans. "Losing the football can break down a team’s morale and make the players fear da’ Bears even more, and a Bear that gets in the habit of stealing has no fear whatsoever. At that point, the opposing team is in mortal danger."
He said da ‘Bears that feed off of other teams turnovers, usually become Superbowl Champions. This fact is behind the old saying, "A fed Bear is an MVP Bear."
Opposing teams can help avoid creating "fed bears" by following the Ten Commandments of Playing with da’ Bears.
I. NEVER FEED DA’ BEARS
Not only does feeding da’ Bears encourage an unhealthy loss of morale, it can help spread fear by concentrating them around an unnatural food source – the football. Any attempt to resist against Peanut Tillman is even more futile.
II. KEEP IT CLEAN
Da’ Bears don’t discriminate between quarterbacks, receivers or runners. They find the ball as enticing as a meal after hibernation, regardless of who has it. Any dirty play only makes da' Bears more determined.
III. DO NOT SHOW FEAR
Da’ Bears keen sense of smell can detect fear long after the football is gone.
IV. PREPARE, PREPARE, PREPARE
Ball protection preparation drills must be practiced at home and hopefully may reduce the number of turnovers and shorten garbage time until the fourth quarter when da’ Bears usually like to send in substitutes. It also allows more time for owners to leave the stadium.
V. KEEP THE BALL IN AN AIRTIGHT CONTAINER WHEN NOT IN USE
Rubberized dry bags, jars with tight-sealing lids and sealable plastic bags help minimize tantalizing aromas. Store all footballs in locked vehicles or car trunks at night.
VI. DON’T LEAVE YOUR PLAYERS ONE-ON-ONE AGAINST PEANUT TILLMAN
Peanut Tillman sees the football as a food source; other Bears will swarm to it once it is punched out by the Peanut.
VII. KEEP GARBAGE TIME TO A MINIMUM
See number IV.
VIII. MINIMIZE YOUR FEAR OF LOSING THE FOOTBALL
Once da’ Bears smell fear in your team it becomes a feeding frenzy. The football may not smell like food to you, but it does to a Bear.
IX. NEVER APPROACH DA' BEARS
Forfeit the game if at all possible to save yourself the embarrassment of being mauled on national television. Da’ Bears are wild animals and are dangerous when brought into contact with the football. Don’t put yourself at risk by trying to create a Disney moment.
X. DON’T BE EMBARRASSED – JUST GO HOME!
Da’ Bears will swarm when they see a loose football; don’t be embarrassed – they do this to every team. They don’t discriminate.
If a Bear steals your football, shout, wave your arms and use an air horn or throw a red flag in hopes of getting the call overturned. If that doesn't work, just get on your bus and go home. Finally, you might try calling 911 or your local law-enforcement agency.