Bah, humbug. - Christian Petersen
Many of you are settling down for a Christmas Day full of presents, family, and holiday cheer. But don't forget about another holiday tradition... the airing of grievances.
Christmas is upon us, with fully decorated Christmas trees, brightly colored abode exteriors, the exchanging of presents and the presence of family and/or friends. And while I indulge in typical Christmas traditions, I also celebrate aspects of another holiday and one of its greatest traditions. I speak, of course, of Festivus and the Airing of Grievances.
If you weren't a Seinfeld fan then you missed out on the creation of Festivus, a holiday "for the rest of us." An aluminum pole replaces a Christmas tree, an event entitled "the Feats of Strength" occurs, and the holiday also features "the Airing of Grievances," which begins (according to Frank Costanza) with "I gotta lotta problems with you people, and now, you're gonna hear about it!"
While Festivus typically occurs on the 23rd of December, we're going to give you the forum to air your grievances in the comments section below. Any and all topics can be covered, but if you require the use of mature language and/or adult situations, hit up the open thread to get things off your chest. Some Festivus highlights from Seinfeld are here. My list is, as follows:
- Matt Forte... you should be on Dancing with the Stars with all the tap-dancing and fancy footwork you show off behind the line of scrimmage - which, of course, is where you're tackled. I know your line isn't even average, but jeez, man, hit a hole!
- Jay Cutler... what's with all the interceptions that either get returned for touchdowns, give the other team great field position, or kill a drive near the endzone. I don't know if it really is that way or not, but everytime you throw a pick, I cringe for fear of the pick-six.
- Roger Goodell may be a terrible commissioner - by my standards, he's between a rock and a hard place with concussions and expansion and keeps putting his foot in his mouth on both topics - but he's WAY ahead of the curve than some of his major sport cohorts. Gary Bettman is single-handedly trying to destroy professional hockey (again!), David Stern fined a team a quarter-mil for resting players, and Bud Selig is... wait, is Selig the best commissioner right now? Wow, these guys suck.
- "Pick-six" for an interception returned for a touchdown should be replaced with "touchdown after interception," or TAINT. Discuss.
- Fantasy Football... you evil temptress. I was in three leagues this year, finishing 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. I finished 3rd in my money league, and lost to Kev in the WCG Writer's final. I continue to choke when it counts, despite being an above-average fantasy player. Second place never felt so hollow.
- Brian Urlacher... quit complaining. I get your point, but, seriously, shut up about booing fans and whatever.
- Lovie Smith... you couldn't lead a successful offense even in Madden, on rookie level, with a Hall of Fame-laden offensive unit. Somehow, only you and your boneheaded offensive coordinator would turn Walter Payton into Kalil Bell, Tom Brady into Peter Tom Willis, and Willie Roaf into J'Marcus Webb. You may win the game 59-3, but your offense will not be the reason.
- Why is fruitcake one of the most reviled food items in the history of the world? I've had it twice in my life, and neither time was I completely repulsed by what I found inside. Course, I was full of holiday spirits...
- Ted Phillips and Virginia McCaskey are the primary reasons for the continued averageness of the Bears. Both are content with status quo without actually realizing that their status quo is unsuccessful and stupid, perpetuating mediocrity and rewarding averageness with such aplomb that the Bears should be renamed the Milquetoasts.
- Someone's gonna give Dave Toub a head coaching job at some point. If he's successful, and it isn't the Bears, then I just may take my bootlegged internet game feed and go home.
- What's with the injuries, man?!?! The last two years the Bears have had - what seems to be - an exorbitant amount of key players missing games with injuries. Seriously, once the second half of the season hits, its just a matter of time until another Bear going down with injury. The football gods do not want Lovie Smith to succeed.
- There's nothing better than classic Christmas movies like rudolph, the island of misfit toys, the talking snowman... and there's nothing worse than being forced to watch terrible movie after terrible movie on particular television channels. You know which ones... made for tv movies with Dean Cain or some other crappy washout actor spinning some version of: man/woman is in need of holiday cheer/companionship, meets potential match that is a jerkish character, then falls for other man/woman who entered their life on mundane pretext (like, as an angel, or elf).
- Elf is the best modern Christmas movie, hands down. If you think otherwise, you're wrong and you need to reexamine your life's choices.
- Another wag of the finger to Lovie Smith's epically inept ability to field a competent offense. I'll dedicate some time after the Bears' season is done comparing his offenses over the years to other teams. It'll be a ton of work to prove something I know is a fact, and I blame Lovie for making me do this.