As reported by ESPNEighttheOcho, Lovie Smith and the entire coaching staff of the Bears have been let ago earlier this morning. Apparently around 12:01 AM, Phil Emery slipped on some wet tile in his bathroom and received two simultaneous visions. His first vision, as told by him at the 4:45 AM press conference:
I started drawing a Y shaped thing made out of ribbon lights that I call a flux capacitor. Attached to a 1983 DMC DeLorean DMC-12, it will allow the car to travel to four different time periods: 1955, 1985, 2015, and 1885.
After rambling about this and the need for plutonium, he promptly fired Lovie Smith and then stated:
Mike Martz will be rehired as the head coach of the Bears. After consulting with him earlier this morning at around 2 AM (ESPN8 has learned from trusted sources that Martz was painting passi
ng plays on the side of his house), we have decided to not hire any assistant coaches. We won't need any defensive coaches as we don't plan to play any defense at all. Our strategy will be to double up on receivers, TE's who can't block well, and multiple QB's. Our hope is that the opposing O gets so tired trying to match the score that they falter down the stretch.
In Other News, the Green Bay Packers are being investigated in their recent stock sales by the SEC. Reports are unconfirmed, but it appears the the SEC's belief is that the entire Packer organization is actually a pyramid scheme, with Viking Coach Leslie Frazier the secret mastermind behind the scheme. Trusted sources within the SEC say possible repercussions would include shifting GB into the CFL, as the source said"
"...they are essentially Canadian anyway. They are almost as bad as those from Michigan. Did you know part of Michigan doesn't touch any part of the US and only Canada? Supposedly those crazy Michiganers use Maple Syrup as currency rather then dollars.....foreign devils....make sure to wear tin foil hats to avoid CIA head penetrating mind reader.....Teddy Roosevelt is alive...."
In Lighter News......Brian Urlacher has announced that he will be conducting a talent search for America's Next Top Linebacker. Additional judges Mike Ditka, Dick Butkis, and Mike Singletary are eagerly awaiting the start of the new season. Butkis could be heard on set yelling at the potential contestants, "you are all hitting like scared thirteen year old girls. You have to put the fear of God into the opposing RB."
That's all for today.