Preseason game 2: Redskins 31, Bears 33 - The Best of the In-Game Threads

The happy face of a man who's stretching out Jay's underwear.

A little under 2,000 comments combined as we welcomed Mike Shanahan and his new golden boy to face his previous golden boy. See what you came up with after the jump...

I don't play fantasy football, so I'm going to have to find some other way to use that name.
UrsusMaritimus: Best name in the WCG fantasy league goes to... Jerry’s Youth Group
Jack's Elsewhere: Not as good as mine. Team Spongie’s Overweight Mooseknuckle

I have no idea what this refers to, but it sounds unsanitary. (Edit: I've just worked it out and, duuude!)
Syndor: Tried to "crop dust" my brother and just sharted myself!!

Having seen some on YouTube, I can honestly say I would, too.
T.J. Shouse: Replacement refs, gotta love 'em
ES46NE10: These guys have reffed elsewhere, right?
Steven Schweickert: Semi-pro leagues and low-low level college and Lingerie League. I imagine some of those guys might view this as a step down.

Gushing over Cutler...
frenchbears113: OMG OMG HERE COMES CUTTY!!!!!
T.J. Shouse: Somebody get this man some new underpants!
frenchbears113: I got a fresh pair but after that play, I'll need another one

There were no ladies in the thread, so we had to fill in ourselves.
Ditka's Stache: Love Jefferey's big body
T.Moore: Bow chicka wow wow

OK, now I'm scared.
Steven Schweickert: MICHAEL BUSH TOUCHDOWN TOUCHDOWN BEARS PRESEASON OLHASIFHJASKLHFKLASSKLFHJ
T.J. Shouse: RIP Steven, who had an anyerism after a Bears preseason TD
Steven Schweickert: *aneurysm
T.J. Shouse: Hey he's back
Spongie: As a zombie
runningman: Grammar zombie

That's what Sam Rosen said.
T.J. Shouse: "Nick roach is well equipped" Wow.

After Brian Orakpo managed to injure himself in pass coverage...
David in Maine: Orakpo out... Caveman in?

Michael Bush's appearance triggered a wave of smut.
boydvv54: Might as well say it now... Pounding Bush through the hole for the score...TWICE
Just Dave: We need to pound Bush all night long.
LostInSTL: "Emery saw Bush twice a year!"
Just Dave: Poor man.
LostInSTL: Must be married!...
badsamaritan: These bush jokes really need some trimming.
runningman:
When you see Bush, shouldn’t there always be a hole?

Slugs and snails and puppy dogs' tails.
Just Dave: Bush is upended. The wife and I like to try that one once in a while.
T.J. Shouse: That gave me a weird mental image. Since I don’t know what Dave looks like, it was just his name piledriving "his wife."
frenchbears113: It's amusing how homoerotic we all really are
T.J. Shouse: And its only preseason!

It's funny 'cos it's true.
T.J. Shouse: Meriweather hurt... Think he learned that from Major Wright

Bros tell it like it is.
Steven Schweickert: Peppers is all that is man. Just sayin.
Jack's Elsewhere: So much power is derived from the size of his lips.
whoyouthoughtiwas: He does have big strong lips.

Ed Hochuli tells it like it is, too.
Steven Schweickert: "On the return team, on the return..." Um… Thanks, Ref. You make me miss Hochuli’s meandering explanations. "The player identified himself to me as a bad ass motherfucker, and I could not stand to have such a player assume my title, so he was flagged, and then I punched him out, because I am Ed Hochuli, beyotch."

And so does Orange Shy Guy.
ES46NE10: field goal is good. that mannelly magic. I guess Gould helped also
Steven Schweickert: Mannelly wills field goals on his own. Gould is just ceremonial.

I missed the memo, but then again I don't drink.
Steven Schweickert: Matt Costanzo. DRINK!
badsamaritan: Ben Carimi.
comebackkirk12: Sam Rosen is playing his own drinking drinking game
comebackkirk12: That wasn’t a mistake. He’s drinking double everytime

Schwa!
Ditka's Stache: Major Wright needs to learn how to wrap up
T.J. Shouse: Not as much as Travis Henry or Antonio Cromartie

I'm not sure what that says about the parties involved.
Beer Down!: Glad Conte was able to walk off without aid... Those wrist injuries...
Jack's Elsewhere: ...suck butthole
Spongie: That reminds me, no Wanda yet tonight...

"Bacon" is ancient Sumerian for "Food of the Gods". True story.
ES46NE10: three cheers for bacon
T.J. Shouse: How dare you. Bacon deserves 4 cheers
ES46NE10: i wasn't sure how many cheers i was allowed to give
boydvv54: There is no limit to the number of cheers that bacon gets

We got your back, ladies.
Ashley Czuba: Hey hey hey! Missed me yet? :P
Spongie: Well, in the absence of Allie, Juperee or your good self (awfullyquiet is around, but may have fallen asleep), we’ve had to do all the talking about the good-looking men.
T.J. Shouse: Jay's hair is excellent tonight
boydvv54: is anyone surprised?

Can't sing. Can't dance. Can block a little at left tackle? You can be our new starter.
CloudyFuture: I liked the Rachol CWilliams line better than the Spencer JWebb OLine
T.J. Shouse: Rachol CWilliams sounds like a [Edit: dilfy] American Idol contestant

Oh, one more, then.
CloudyFuture: Good, 2nd unit in
Just Dave: With Bush out, we have to put our other unit in.

After Jason Campbell held on a tad too long...
Steven Schweickert: Anybody get a sundial on timing that sack?
T.J. Shouse: Its nighttime, sundials don't work.
GtM: Dude... Moondial?
frenchbears113: Are those even real?
GtM: Uh..... Yes
CloudyFuture: Saw one on Pawn stars so yes... They wouldnt lie to me...

That's plain unsanitary.
Just Dave: Hopefully this is now the most pathetic display of a wide receiving corps we wee on the field all year.

After a speedy midget returned a punt for a Washington score...
ES46NE10: wait, NFL.com screwed that one up... or did it? A Podlesh punts 46 yards to WAS 9, Center P. Mannelly for 91 yards, TOUCHDOWN. I mean, I know Mannelly’s amazing but really?
Steven Schweickert: So amazing he returns punts for touchdowns for the OTHER team.
ES46NE10: "This game isn't competitive enough - time to take matters into my own hands"

Lovie's in mid-season form.
T.J. Shouse: Wait, did we just call a TO with the clocked stopped?
crackedcactus: Lovie tried but the official wouldn't accept it.

Why Jack's Elsewhere should never be allowed into an empty thread unsupervised.
Jack's Elsewhere: Welp no one here, may as well whip my dong out
Just Dave: I don't see anything...
He got loose again later on. Also, why is Just Dave so interested in seeing it?
Jack's Elsewhere
: More dong
Just Dave
: I need glasses. Still see nothing...
Jack's Elsewhere: Hang on [Puts on lipstick and plays "Goodbye Horses"] Would you f--- me? I’d f--- me.
T.J. Shouse: I laughed and got a shiver down my spine at the same time
Jack's Elsewhere: I was hoping for more than that. But I’ll take it.
awfullyquiet
: You were hoping for an erection?
Jack's Elsewhere
: Whoa whoa whoa. I was hoping for a rec

The cart coming out for Brandon Hardin prompted Jack's Elsewhere to amuse us with this gif of a runaway cart ploughing through a cluster of people on a gridiron field.

I have advanced degrees from the University of teh N3t!
LostInSTL: Apparently both Russian and Asian girls are looking to date me
T.J. Shouse: Thanks, Captain Random
HasClothesLikeaDickhead: You too? 18 yo asians want me, plus I can join a secret swingers group but I must swear confidentiality
LostInSTL: You get to watch on live TV... I get internet feeds…along with mountains of internet porn ads!
T.J. Shouse: Ah, now I see. And I’m vanquished to internet land for the game, as well. No hot chicks looking to date me, though.
crackedcactus: You can get penis enlargement pills to make you feel better tho
T.J. Shouse
: Is that from the Nigerian prince? He keeps emailing me about something...

Sugar and spice and all things nice.
Allie: Have you met me? bring on the fart jokes!

We seemed to spend the entire game discussing how to pronounce his name.
MPG: Is it pronounched Shy-lo or Chee-lo?
Jack's Elsewhere: The translation was lost hundred of years ago. All we know is that it means "Whale’s vagina"
CloudyFuture: Got that from your Anthropology degree did you?
Jack's Elsewhere: Well... yes. What did you think we study in Anthro?
Spongie: Boobs?
Jack's Elsewhere: Only on Fridays

During a discussion of a certain wiener-pic-sending former NFL QB...
Allie: no one ever really got him to grasp the concept of touch screen smart phone, amiright?

Must've been close to 5am awfullyquiet time by the time this came up.
awfullyquiet: I'm way to tired to make innuendos. Intentional or not. Brandon Hardin.

And they say chivalry is dead!
chiguy8506: i have bad news everyone. im out of jack
Ashley Czuba: And there's still 3 minutes! AHHH!!!!
T.J. Shouse: Jezzus! Head for the hills! Women and children move out of the way! I'm first!

I'd already (b) by halfway through the third quarter.
T.J. Shouse: Ok, Post Game Poll. After the game, will you be: (a) Going out, (b) Going to Bed, (c) Trying for "Relations", (d) Other. PS: other means porn
Ashley Czuba: The plan as of now is (b).
Sam Householder: I was going to go for (c) but I guess Ashley says that’s out. :(
T.J. Shouse: Sorry bud, at least now you can move onto (d).
Sam Householder: Haha That's not an option
Maelvampyre: Wanda and I: (b), (c), (d)

You can get ointment for that, I've heard.
awfullyquiet: (b)/(d) Bed / Breakfast. It’s 6am. I can get some fruit and a coffee and then go to sleep.
LostInSTL: You've made it this far... why quit now?
awfullyquiet: Because I'm going on a 125km bike ride at 9am.
LostInSTL: What's that like 2 miles?... the conversions are not my strong suit…
HasClothesLikeaDickhead: no, it's about 160 pounds
awfullyquiet
: that's 11 and a half stones.
HasClothesLikeaDickhead
: yikes, the gravel roads over there must suck
awfullyquiet: It's not the gravel roads... It’s the [Edit: fecking] Dolamites.
HasClothesLikeaDickhead
: yeah, i had that once - itched like crazy

This is the first and only time I'll use it: Lol.
Steven Schweickert: Just got a text asking why we didn't draft Kirk Cousins. Opinions on protocols to follow with the sender of said text?
badsamaritan: "lol"

Good, clean fun and no animals were harmed in the making of this post. Next up is the main event of preseason games as we visit the Giants on Friday night. See you then for more of the usual shenanigans!

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