Football season for my friend Jeff really starts at his annual trip down to Bourbonnais. He wrote this post in anticipation of his trip this year. He sent it to a few friends, but I thought I'd share it with everyone else here. It truly captures the magic of Bourbonnais.
I got an interesting email from Orbitz early this morning. It was particularly strange because of just how unnecessary it was. I know I know we all get spam email that is a complete waste of our time—I’m not that interested in who the 4th interim dean in 3 years is at my school. I’m not in the market for prescription drugs that will kill me even if they’re free, and if I have truly been the lucky winner of a prize every time I get such an email I’d have more ipads than Pete Rose has hits. And Pete Rose has SO many hits. But this email is even morepreposterous.
Here’s a piece of it.
"Prepare for your Trip – Bourbonnais. Things to know for your upcoming Bourbonnais trip.
It's almost time for your stay at Super 8 Bourbonnais/Kankakee Area"
Maybe you don’t see the sheer insanity of it, so consider the letter below.
But first, keep this tab open also. You may need it. Seek help if you don’t.
Dear Ignorant Orbitz Employee,
I’m a Bears fan; I’m a football fan. Several months ago I wrote extensively and embarrassingly what that means to me.
That was Nothing.
Since the season ended last year, I’ve been Bourbtasizing. Getting through the agonizingly long Bourbless and Football-less early months of the year was not easy. I watched highlights, successfully prayed for front office change, and Bourbinisced; I published pickyskypoos but still have no idea of the success—I neither remember the picks nor know the current standings. I had to use a Bourbatch to get that fix I would crave. I devised several fool proof business plans with others to make millions for doing nothing more than we usually do—Bourbcialize, watch sports, Bourbganize, talk about sports, play sports, and of course, Bourbitate. I probably said many incredibly insensitive, offensive, and rude things to many people—but that was just my Bourbdrawl. Even with that said, the thing I am least proud of having done in this especially low time is… (Deep Breath) I watched Basketball. Forgive me Training Camp gods.
As time went on Bourbticipation grew… I began Bourbounting the days until—damnit what’s that place called?—you’d like to think I could forget, wouldn’t you Orbitz?
Time was passing slower than a Jamie Moyer fastball.
It was time for OTAs and nobody even knew. Except for me. OTAs are the Bourbole-play before training camp. As offseason acquisitions accumulated, I got chills thinking about players making their Bourbebut. Still there was one key player whose Bourbout looked imminent; but when he signed just before the deadline, it was clear that The World Is Ready…
So I Bourbared my Bourbalendar to be able to better analyze and Bourbitz the Bourbtions for our annual Boubisit and Bourbosophy in general.
Ah the annual Bourbilgrimage…
Two practices in the Bourbutiful Bourbeather, as we Bourbtend that we are scouts…
The small talk with players, coaches, and media who are surely Bourbtemplating Bourbaulting us…
Bourbopping for lunch, Gatorade, and Bourbcochol…
The Bourbsolutely Bourbagical Bourbeque that is especially Bourbelicious next to corn fields so deep and tall one could Bourbefecate in them in total privacy, and between two semi-trucks Bourbarked in the Bourbarking Lot of a motel in—hmm what’s that place called again?
Shame on you Orbitz.
The Bourbsolute Bourbest two days—B.O.A.T.
So to an objective third party, would it seem as though I need to be told to prepare? As a true Bourbeteran entering Year Six, are there any things to know that I haven’t already shown I know in truly Bourbarassing detail?
Finally, does it seem as though I need to be told "It is Almost Time for Your Stay in Bourbonnais?"
Does a convict need to be told "It’s almost time for your release?"
Does Peyton Manning need to be told "it’s almost game time?"
Does Mariano Rivera need to be told "it’s almost time to get three outs?"
Does Usain Bolt need to be told "it’s almost time for you to run as quickly as you can?"
Does Pacman Jones need to be told "it’s almost time to commit a felony?"
The obvious answer is simply, No. I have been Bourbaiting for what seems like an eternity and I’ve made it. It is here. Bourbisit (#1) begins in just 40 hours.
Truth be told there was another line the in email that was actually quite accurate and fair.
"You’re all set for you trip to Bourbonnais on Sunday"
You bet your ass I am, Orbitz. You bet your ass I am.