FanPost

Week 17 Relic: Vikings/Packers Drinking Game Rules

Because someone brought up the fanpost idea, and because I'd like to give everyone an idea for future games that will inspire desperate consumption of alcohol by Bears fans. Thus:


In the event that participants feel themselves becoming overly inebriated, they should immediately stop consuming alcohol, drink lots of water, consume starchy foods, and still root for a positive Bears outcome.

For the purposes of this drinking game, "drink" is defined as "a mouthful". A drinker is herein referred to as a "participant".

BREAKING THE ICE:

At each coin toss, take a drink. If the coin somehow lands edge, yell incoherently and kill whatever you’re drinking.

OFFENSE:

1: For every Minnesota touchdown, take two drinks.

2: For every Green Bay touchdown, take one drink.

3: For every Minnesota field goal, take a drink.

4: For every Green Bay field goal, take a sip.

5: For a Minnesota 3rd down conversion of 10+ yards, take three drinks.

6: For a Minnesota 4th down conversion, regardless of distance, take four drinks.

7: Pondering Distance: If Christian Ponder scrambles for a 1st down, take a drink on top of any other requirements. Ergo, if Ponder scrambles for a touchdown on 4th down, the participant must take 7 drinks (4 for a fourth down conversion, two for a Minnesota touchdown, one for Pondering Distance.)

8: For every Minnesota play with a positive net result of 40+ yards, penalties included, drink twice.

9: For every Green Bay play with a positive net result of 40+ yards, penalties included, drink once.

10: For every Minnesota play with a positive net result of 60+ yards, penalties included, drink three times.

11: For every Green Bay play with a positive net result of 60+ yards, penalties included, drink twice.

12: For every Minnesota play with a positive net result of 80+ yards, penalties included, drink four times.

13: For every Green Bay play with a positive net result of 80+ yards, penalties included, drink three times.

14: If a touchdown is scored on any of the plays listed in items 8-13, drink an extra time on top of that.

The Adrian Peterson Clause, also referred to as APC:

Proviso: The rules of the Adrian Peterson Clause supersede all other rules for the Minnesota Vikings where Adrian Peterson is concerned, unless otherwise stipulated.

A: For every run or pass reception of 20+ yards, take a drink.

B: For every run or pass reception of 40+ yards, take two drinks.

C: For a 60+ yard run/pass reception or longer, kill whatever you’re drinking. Open another, take a drink.

D: For every touchdown scored by Adrian Peterson, growl angrily at your TV. Take two drinks on top of any other drinks required by the rules. An Adrian Peterson 90 yard touchdown run on fourth down would therefore require you to kill your drink, then drink seven more times (once per APC Subsection C, twice per OFFENSE Rule 1 and four times per OFFENSE Rule 6).

E: The Clownshoes/Wacky Crap Code: Anything Adrian Peterson does or has done to him that is completely Clownshoes/Wacky Crap (double reverse with Peterson throwing a pass, for instance, or Peterson fielding a kickoff and lateraling to the real kick returner), take four drinks. Alternately, put on clown shoes or a fright wig and take two drinks. In the event that Peterson is the recipient of the ball on a Clownshoes play (catches a pass on a fake field goal attempt and scores, for instance), all normal APC rules apply. The participant may only reduce the number of drinks required by the Clownshoes clause by putting on clown costume, he may not reduce the drinks required by other rules.
- Advanced Bozo Rules: If this happens more than once, participant has the option to keep adding clown paraphrenalia and drinking twice until he has completely turned into Bozo. The status of Bozodom will be judged by all participants collectively – the participant with the most righteous costume will be the initial Bozo. Only one Bozo may be in play at one time. Additional candidates for Bozodom must compete for the title with the reigning Bozo by means of a professional contest – juggling, balloon animals, et cetera. This contest should not take longer than five minutes of real world (not game clock) time. At the end, the ruling Bozo may dictate how many drinks said Bozo and failed Bozo candidates will take. This number shall not exceed six and shall not be less than two. The number may vary between Bozo and failed Bozos, according to the will of the reigning Bozo.

F: If Peterson is used on defense or special teams in any capacity, with the exception of two-point conversions, all participants must look at each other, shout "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!" and drink four times.

DEFENSE:

1: For every turnover by Minnesota, take a drink.

2: For every turnover by Green Bay, take three drinks.

3: For every sack by Minnesota, take a drink.

4A: For every sack by Jared Allen, take two drinks and curse loudly.

4B: For every half-sack by Allen, take one drink and curse at a moderate volume.

5: For every disturbing Clay Matthews sack dance, take two drinks, claw at your eyes, and ask the football gods, "WHY?!"

6: For a safety, regardless of the team which suffers it, petition the football gods for an answer and take a drink. If a safety occurs on a fumble, take two drinks.

7: For a tackle-for-loss (i.e., not a sack) of 5-9 yards by Minnesota, take two drinks. For each 5 yard increment beyond 9, drink an additional time. A tackle-for-loss of 16 yards would therefore require four drinks.

8: For a tackle-for-loss (i.e., not a sack) of 5-9 yards by Green Bay, take a drink. Add one drink for each 5 yard increment beyond 9.

SPECIAL TEAMS:

1: For every Green Bay kick or punt return for a touchdown, take a drink. This is the Green Bay BAse Special TeAms Rate of Drinking, or BASTARD.

2: For every kick or punt return for a touchdown by Minnesota, take two drinks. This is the Minnesota BASTARD.

3: For every blocked kick, punt, PAT, or field goal, double the BASTARD of the team that blocked the kick.

4: For every recovered fumble on a kickoff, punt return, etc, utilize the BASTARD.

5: For every lost fumble on a kickoff, etc, double the BASTARD of the team that recovers the ball. Ergo, a Green Bay lost fumble on a punt return would require four drinks.

6: For every lost fumble that results in a touchdown by either side, double the BASTARD and add two drinks. A Minnesota fumble on a kickoff return that turned into a Green Bay touchdown would therefore be 4 drinks.

7: For every successful two-point conversion by Green Bay, use the BASTARD.

8: For every successful two-point conversion by Minnesota, double the BASTARD.

9: For every touchback, take a drink.

10: For every faked special teams play, drink twice on top of any other requirements (4th down conversion, APC, etc). For weird/trick plays (side laterals by the holder with a wide receiver throwing a pass, etc), drink two more times and scream, "CLOWNSHOOOOOOOES!" Faked PAT attempts for two-point conversions count as fakes under this rule.

TIME:

1: At the end of the 1st and 3rd quarters, take 1 and 3 drinks, respectively.

2: At the end of the 1st half, kill whatever you’re drinking.

3: At the two minute warning in the first half, take two drinks.

4: At the two minute warning in the second half, take four drinks.

PENALTIES:

1: For the second penalty on any given drive, regardless of committing team, take a drink. Increase this number by 1 for every penalty committed by either side. Ergo, a Minnesota drive with two penalties against Minnesota and three against Green Bay will result in the participant drinking four times on the fifth penalty.

2: For roughing the passer or kicker, take a drink. If it’s Aaron Rodgers, drink twice.

3: For every unsportsmanlike conduct, take a drink. Double this if the penalty is on a coach or a sideline.

4: For every late hit, unnecessary roughness, or other personal foul related to aggressiveness and ill intent, take a drink. If this is on Jared Allen or Clay Matthews, take two.

5: If a safety occurs due to an "illegal forward pass out of the end zone" penalty, take five drinks and thank Chilo Rachal and Brandon Marshall for reminding us that that is a rule.

6: If a safety occurs for any other directly penalty-related reason (illegal hands to the face in the end zone), take two drinks.

7: The WTF Rule: If you hear a penalty call that you did not previously know existed, drink once. If the official takes multiple breaths while explaining the logic behind the officiating decision, drink twice.

8: Ejections: If anyone is ejected, be he player, coach, sideline attendant or mascot, or if she be attendant, staff or cheerleader, drink twice.

And Finally:

If the Packers win, kill your drink and petition Ursus, the football god of Bears, for forgiveness. However, Ursus looks kindly on the consumption of bratwurst as penance.

If Minnesota wins, kill your drink and scream, "THERE’S ALWAYS NEXT YEAAAAAAAR!"

<em>This FanPost was written by a Windy City Gridiron member, and does not necessarily reflect the ideas or opinions of its staff or community.</em>

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