FanPost

Bear-Baiting: Who would win in a fight between…?

When one thinks of mascots fighting, it is easy to assume it would be a slap-fight between two mostly blind, uncoordinated dudes in funny costumes. As amazing as that would be, the UFC was pretty clear in their rejection letter that it would "never happen" and that if I'm "not affiliated" with the NFL than I should "leave us alone" or face "legal action".

But the debate rages on: which team has the most fearsome namesake? Moving beyond the guy in the suit doing jumping jacks and using t-shirt based weaponry, which of the animals, humans, creatures or colors would beat up all the others?

Let's find out.

Ground Rules

Each fight will take place in the center of a standard NFL field. Stepping off the field is an automatic forfeit.

We will assume that both parties involved are "aware" that they are in a fight and what they’re fighting against. That means no sneak attacks. Further, they will attempt to incapacitate or kill whatever they’re matched up with, and will not fall back on any natural fight or flight instincts. It’s all fight.

There is no chance for a combatant to receive outside help of any kind, including but not limited to the use of any weapon, tool or similar implement which they would not normally have on their person. This means that a Cowboy could not call up his posse for assistance and a Falcon cannot go pick up a ray gun, for example.

In cases where defining the physical attributes of a certain mascot becomes nebulous, the prevailing or most evident depiction of said mascot will be used.

I will endeavor, when possible, to reference actual events and scientific evidence. However, this data will not necessarily provide the final say in determining a victor.

This is of course WCG, so in the interest of not creating a massive, convoluted bracket-based playoff system for every mascot in the league (anyone else start salivating during that sentence?) we will instead see how the bear does against all others.

What will be the outcome? Let's add up all the factors:

The Bear

There are many types of bear which Chicago could enter into this contest: the stealthy Polar, the nurturing Koala, the untidy Berenstain. However, this is a fight to the death, so we need the best in breed: the Grizzly bear.

Standing up to 10' tall on its hind legs and weighing up to 900 lbs., the Grizzly is the harbinger of furry doom.

VS.

Viking: The Viking’s signature weapon (Axe) could spell trouble, but most Vikings were fishermen first, farmers second and hunters third. Like any society that knows what’s good for them, they didn't go after bears by themselves. The bear might not walk away unscathed, but the Viking isn't walking away at all.

DECISION: Bear.

Raiders: And what is a raider but a Viking with face paint? Looking like Paul Stanley might be an advantage in some circles, but it will hardly impress a bear.

DECISION: Bear.

Bengal: Without boring you with the specifics or blowing you off with vaguery, please accept that extensive research has yielded little more than some (probably doctored) video evidence that, on rare occasion, bears and tigers have fought in the wild. There are many areas of the web that hotly debate the question of bear vs. big cat and while these debates are by no means conclusive, the parameters established for this particular battle weigh heavily in favor of ursa badassicus.

DECISION: Bear.

Lion, Panthers, Jaguars: Polishing off the feline category, these big cats (yes, even the lion) are generally smaller and weaker than the tiger. If they fought 100 times, maybe a few swing in their favor, but most of the time they become bear food.

DECISION: Bear

Packer: I’m not embarrassed to admit that I actually had to verify via Google just what "Packer" refers to. When something is stupid and makes no sense I often have to double-check it for accuracy. Anyway, if you go with the standard Packer being of the meat-canning variety (and not, as many 4th Graders would have you believe, the chocolate confectionery type) then we’re basically talking about a bear squaring off with a blue-collar laborer. A blue-collar laborer who smells strongly of the meat he works around.

DECISION: Bear.

Cowboys: If anyone on this list has firepower on their side, it’s gotta be the one from Texas. A cowboy’s signature weapon? The Colt Peacemaker, at least if coolness means anything to a gun enthusiast (and let’s face it, it does). The revolver holds six bullets. By the mystical properties of multiplication, a second six-shooter would give him twelve shots before having to reload. Here’s a video in which a pair of hunters, using modern guns, brag about their ability to take down a Grizzly in less than 20 shots.

DECISION: Bear.

Giants: What kind of giant are we talking here? Beanstalk? Honey I Blew Up the Kid? Victor Cruz’s mom in a bobble-head costume? We may never know. However, the only true giant this world has ever known was named Andre and, though a dazzling physical specimen, he was still smaller than a full-grown Grizzly.

DECISION: Bear.

Redskins: "Poor taste" is not going to stop a bear from devouring a redskin. Sure, Native Americans worked out ways to hunt bears, but it’s not something they did alone. With the scenario ruling out the possibility to attack in numbers or set some traps, man doesn't stand a chance.

DECISION: Bear.

Bills: I could make some crack about Bears not having to pay bills since they live in the forest, but that would be a sad, obvious attempt to extend this section beyond the three words it takes to say that bears eat bison.

DECISION: Bear.

Patriots: Is it un-American to say that we’d all be sipping tea right now had King George unleashed an army of bears against Washington and his troops? Maybe. Is it incorrect? Depends on how many bears the Brits would've had. But in a one on one fight against a dude with an inaccurate, one shot/ten seconds musket, bear wins every time.

DECISION: Bear.

Jets: The weaponry that can be equipped on modern fighter jets is intense. Air to air missiles, air to ground missiles, Gatling guns. Even the ejector seat can be used to kill in a pinch. However, one thing is missing from this menagerie of murder: a pilot. Without one, a jet might as well be Aaron Carter.

DECISION: Bear.

Falcons, Eagles, Ravens, Cardinals, Seahawks: I hope I don’t have to explain why none of these birds stands a chance. About the most impressive thing any one of these animals has accomplished is taking down a deer. Hyper-extend that feathery appendage and give yourselves a big pat on the back for that one.

DECISION: Bear.

Dolphins: Where could these two even fight? A swimming pool? At the Olympics? During the 200m Butterfly? Yes, that’s where. Bears aren't really strong swimmers, but dolphins aren't really able to survive being ripped in half.

DECISION: Bear.

Saints: I don’t know much about saints, but I know you pretty much have to be dead to become one. Unsurprisingly, because the internet, there are numerous lists of "Badass" saints from throughout history. Topping many of these lists is Saint Olaf, who earned his BAMF reputation by being a Viking. See "Viking" above.

DECISION: Bear

Buccaneers: I’m willing to give a pirate the benefit of two main weapons (some kind of single shot gun, some kind of sword) but neither one of those is enough to get the job done on a rampaging Grizzly. That said, prolonged exposure to certain pirates could cause a pretty trippy contact high, so the bear would do well to end this one quickly.

DECISION: Bear

Texans: Only two things come from Texas: Steers and craft beers. And the Texans don’t look like any IPA I've seen.

DECISION: Bear.

Broncos, Colts, Rams: Horses? Horned goats? I dunno, I don’t see it. I’m lumping these together because while I accept that they could hold their own against other predators, none of them really has what it takes to bring down a bear.

DECISION: Bear.

Browns: Do all dogs go to heaven? Even ones from Cleveland? Isn't there some kind of Fourth Place heaven reserved for these dogs? The match-up between bear and bulldog reads like the climax of the most uninspiring entry in the Homeward Bound series.

DECISION: Bear.

Browns, Part Deux: What’s this about an elf? ‘Kay… whatever gets you off, Cleveland. I’ll admit that "Brownie" is more frightening in appearance than any other living creature, but that doesn't make it a fighter.

DECISION: Bear.

Steelers: Blue Collar Man: Pennsylvania Edition has the advantage of being able to proudly tell his friends what his job is (unlike a "packer") but he doesn't stand much more of a chance in this battle.

DECISION: Bear.

49ers: Aaaand finally, Blue Collar Man: Gold Rush Edition. Sure, a pickax could do some damage, but the image of a bearded, emaciated man in overalls isn't even intimidating to me. A bear will be even less impressed.

DECISION: Bear.

Chiefs: Though older, wiser and slightly less racist than his Redskin brethren, a chief suffers from the same disadvantages and stands no more chance of victory.

DECISION: Bear.

Chargers: Here’s where a lack of detail comes back to bite you. The **** is a charger? A quick search finds that the official San Diego mascot is Boltman, the bastard child of lightning and a California Raisin. Well, I don’t need Google to confirm that even a human being can survive being struck by lightning. I've known plenty of guys who've known guys with cousins who've done that.

DECISION: Bear.

Titans: Uh oh. I was pretty into Greek Mythology for awhile in 6th grade, and I even played God of War II on my friend’s PS2 once, so I know that a titan is bad news. Unimaginably massive, more powerful even than the gods, a titan is truly a force of- wait, what? A raccoon?

DECISION: Bear.

Final Tally: Bear 31-0

So there you have it. Exhaustive research and pure, objective logic have forced me to conclude beyond reasonable doubt that a bear is the toughest mascot in the business.

Care to disagree?

<em>This FanPost was written by a Windy City Gridiron member, and does not necessarily reflect the ideas or opinions of its staff or community.</em>

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join Windy City Gridiron

You must be a member of Windy City Gridiron to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Windy City Gridiron. You should read them.

Join Windy City Gridiron

You must be a member of Windy City Gridiron to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at Windy City Gridiron. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.

tracking_pixel_9341_tracker