If you don't know who Bill Swerski and the Superfans are, shame on you. It's only the premier Saturday Night Live sketch in the last 30 years. And it happens to revolve around a certain Navy Blue and Orange clad team, that plays in a certain Field dedicated to the American Soldier known as Soldier Field. I am speaking of course of our beloved Chicago Bears.
If you don't recall the sketch, here is a Wiki link for you to read up on this comical Tour de Force. And here's a link to their prediction special from last season (and from right here on Windy City Gridiron) for your reading pleasure. I would also recommend you head over to YouTube and get yourself in the proper frame of mind by enjoying some of their SNL moments. It's all to better prepare you for what you are about to read.
That's Bill Swerski in the pic there and after the jump you can see Pat Arnold, Carl Wollarski, and Todd O'Connor, so read on and revel in the glory that is the Superfans.
Bill - Welcome everybody to, um, this Superfans second annual season predictor, uh, type gathering, er, luncheon, where we will predict...
Pat - (interrupting) You should have sprung for the teleprompter.
Bill - If Todd would hold the cue cards still it wouldn't be that difficult.
Todd - I'm sorry, but the smell of the pork chops wafting in from the kitchen here at Ditka's ...
All - Da Coach!
Todd - ...is causing severe hunger pains.
Bill - If you'd just hold the card still so I can get through my intro, you could sit down with the rest of us and enjoy the scrumptious appetizers provided by our magnificent sponsor Ditka's Resturant.
Todd - Sorry, I'll be strong.
Bill - Good, now where was I...
Carl - Just start over.
Pat - Yeah, start over.
Bill - Fine. I'd like to welcome everybody to this second annual Superfans prediction luncheon live from Ditka's, where we will predict the 2010 season for our beloved Chicago Bears.
All - Da Bears!!!
Todd - (sitting down at the table) You really needed a cue card for that?
Bill - I'm a professional. And professionals start off the show reading from a script.
Pat - Ron Burgundy would have started off like that.
Bill - True
Carl - Great mustache.
Todd - Yes.
Pat - Agreed.
Bill - Was he really from San Diego with a glorious stache like that?
Carl - He has to be a transplanted Chicagoan.
Bill - Good call.
Todd - Yes.
Pat - Agreed. Fun movie fact here... Famous Chicago news man Bill Curtis did the voice-over work in Anchorman.
Bill - Scintillating info. However, I'd like to get back to the show.
Pat - Sorry, carry on.
Bill - Normally this is the time where I would introduce my co-hosts, but I feel we have wasted enough time already, so on with the predictions...
Carl - If I may interject, last year we did not do a very good job on our predictions.
Todd - Yes we did. We predicted it right.
Pat - No... I think we...
Todd - (snaps back) We predicted it right!
Bill - He's in denial. Just humor him.
Todd - (looking all twitchy with eyes glazed over) We predicted it right? We did? Right?
Bill - Yes. Yes we did. Now let's do it again. First up is the home opener against the Detroit Lions. Predictions fellas?
Carl - I predict our new defensive juggernaut Julius Peppers will really want to make a bold statement and terrorize the Lions with a minimum 3 sack performance.
Todd - (voice shaking) ...we predicted it right...
Bill - Someone get him a Polish sausage stat!
Carl - I think the new Mike Martz offense may take a week to get on track, so I see a defensive struggle.
Pat - I agree.
Carl - Six field goals from Robbie Gould, 4 safeties from the defense, and a couple pick 6's for a final of... um... uh...
Bill - Could someone get him a calculator.
Carl - ... carry the 1... and ... um...
Todd - (spitting a Polish sausage out of his mouth) 38! But I'll assume Gould makes both PAT's, because he will, to make it 40.
Bill - ...and he's back.
Carl - 40 to zip... thanks Todd.
All - Da Bears!
Bill - Moving right along, week two and a trip to Dallas to face the Cowboys.
Pat - May I take this one? (Bill nods) Thank you. First off I'd like to set the over/under on Brad Maynard punts hitting their ridiculously low jumbotron at 4.
Carl - You think we'll punt 4 times?
Pat - Only after the game is well decided, they'll want to give the punter some work.
Todd - We have a punter?
Bill - ... And he's gone... have another kielbasa Todd...
Pat - I think the offense may still be sputtering along and Jay Cutler will only find the end zone a few times, so I'll call it 44-0, in an homage to the great '85 Bears after they reach 44 they start letting Maynard punt on 1st down.
Bill - Yep, we wouldn't want to rub it in.
All - Da Bears!
Bill - Packer week, and those cheeseheads will be riding their RV's and station-wagon's south for an exciting and close hard fought contest. I'll call it 62-3.
All - Da Bears!
Pat - Quick tangent... Chicago's very own Goose Island Beer vs. Milwaukee's Best?
All - Da Goose!
Bill - Next up traveling to New York to face the Giants in their new stadium and...
Todd - (interrupting) Sean Landetta whiffs on a punt, Bears win 21-0!
Bill - ... ... ... ... it could happen.
All - Da Bears!
Bill - Traveling to Carolina should be emotional for Mr. Peppers, but I don't expect that big of a game from him, due to constant triple teaming, which should lead to a big game from Israel Idonije.
Carl - Izzy will get it done.
Pat - Yes, and I can see Chris Harris making himself at home with a few forced fumbles and a pick or two, and a final of 46 -0.
Bill - Wow. That is exactly what I was going to say.
All - Da Bears!
Bill - Seattle Seahawks up next and what the hell is a sea hawk?
Pat - The Osprey or Pandion Haliaetus, is sometimes refereed to as the sea hawk or even a fish eagle, it is a diurnal, fish-eating bird of prey.
Carl - What the hell is diurnal?
Todd - It hunts in the day time.
Bill - ... Of course. And so do the Bears. Bears win.
All - Da Bears!
Bill - Week 7 and the new look Redskins will come in for what, on paper at least, looks like a close contest.
Carl - Not so fast my friend. I'll assume you think it'll be close due to local product and new Washington QB Donovan McNabb lucking into a touchdown?
Bill - Yeah.
Carl - I figured, just like last year, but after missing on that prediction...
Todd - (interrupting) We predicted it right!
Pat - Have some ribs Todd (gives Todd some bbq ribs)
Carl - Thank you Pat. But after that erroneous prediction last... (Carl glances over at Todd who is elbows deep in ribs) time out, I feel the beloved Bears will be out to make a statement, and considering they are heading into their bye week, they'll let it all hang out and roll on to an easy victory... I'll call it 136 to nothing.
All - Da Bears!
Bill - As Carl has just alluded to next up is the Bye week, and this is an opportune time for us to take a well needed break so we might step out and partake in a cigar or two.
Pat - Damn indoor smoking ban.
Carl - Do you think Iron Mike himself would be banished from his own restaurant if he were to light up?
Bill - I think if Mike Ditka wanted to light up, Mayor Richard Daley himself would hightail it over with a police motorcade to come in and flick his Bic for Da Coach.
All - Da Coach!!!
Bill - Be back soon everybody with the rest of our predictions.