(Cue foreboding music from 50's & 60's anti-drug PSAs, like this one) While innocent Johnny sits at home, surfing the internet looking to discuss his beloved sports team, his parents are unaware of the danger that resides nearby. They lurk around every corner (of the internet)... they may even be in your home (webpage) or your favorite (WCG) hangout... they are trolls, and they are a threat to the very infrastructure of our society.
This Mock Public Service Announcement sponsored by some
stupid movie company planning on releasing a troll movie. Updated at 6:20pm EST with Troll Poll!
According to WakiFakiea, over nine trillion trolls hide amongst us, salivating at the chance to invade our good-natured blog posts and comment sections in order to rain their blustering, twisted thoughts upon an unexpecting community, leaving behind a calamitous aftermath more destructive than any other thing that's ever happened on this earth ever. How do you identify these trolls? Not all troll-types have yet been identified. Trolls are a constantly changing plague on this
earth internet that evolve seemingly by the second. Below are a listing of the ten most recognizable trolls. If you recognize or encounter one of these trolls: do NOT bade them into an argument, do NOT attempt to reason with them, and by Ditka do not attempt to feed them. Trolls will feast on the keyboards of any they cross, and if a troll demands your "Ctrl" key, you darn well give it to them, before they demand your "Enter," or worse, your "Back space"! If you spot a troll, simply report it to your nearest Troll Enforcement Agent, and they will capture and eliminate the troll using the B.A.N. program, or Basic Analytical Neutralizer.
1. Chameleon Troll - This troll appears to be friendly, engaging you for days, sometimes weeks in a mutually agreeable exchange of ideas, before suddenly and violently turning on you and all that you hold dear.
2. Scorched Earth Troll - This destructive troll decimates all rational thought with constant streams of insane ranting and/or raving. The Scorched Earth troll is generally identified through their incessant use of swear words or irrational phrases like, "Bears suck" or "Go Lions."
3. Classy Troll - The only troll on this list identified as friendly, the classy troll laments the role his fellow trolls play and does not identify himself with his horrible brethren. The Classy Troll believes in a free exchange of ideas, and supports your views whether he/she agrees with them or not.
4. Hapless Troll - The most easily identifiable troll, the Hapless Troll makes little sense and poses little threat to our society, as his constant stream of misspelled words, misquoting others, and faulty logic are more humorous than dangerous.
5. Brickwall Troll - This troll is thusly named the Brickwall Troll because of their innate desire to prove to you that you are wrong and they are right, no matter how many times you offer to let bygones be bygones, or agree to disagree. Oftentimes the Brickwall troll is the most frustrating to deal with.
6. Bully Troll - The Bully troll is a feeble-minded troll attempting to use brute strength and force of will to get you to admit something is true that you believe is false. The Bully troll is best known for its threats of swirlies and wedgies made at smaller, smarter individuals.
7. Kernel Troll - The Kernel troll is the most annoying, hanging around in constant annoyance to all around it. This troll is aptly named for the irritating quality of popcorn kernels to get stuck in your teeth. The Kernel troll is not much of a threat, but his presence may attract the Bully troll.
8. Drunk Troll - A nocturnal troll (generally), the Drunk Troll waits until he has imbibed enough liquid courage to invade your
villageblog with his nonsensical rants. Oftentimes mistaken for the Hapless Troll, the Drunk troll generally appears in short bursts of furious postings, before passing out due to too many Appletinis.
9. Noob Troll - A freshly birthed troll, the Noob Troll wanders around, aimlessly making comments and threats that have no backing whatsoever. This troll is unsure of himself and any point he is attempting to make, and is generally viewed as harmless. However, once the Noob Troll grows up, he may mutate to any of the other trolls on this list.
10. The Troll Within - The most dangerous of all known trolls, in part because of the inability to easily identify him. The Troll Within may be a member of your community, it may be a person you read frequently, it could... even... be... behind you! Beware the Troll Within, as he may not make his presence known until it is too late.