Bill - Welcome one and all to this special edition of The Superfans, where we'll delve into some little knows truths about one of the most iconic men in all of sports.
Carl - I'm having Déjà vu.
Pat - Something does seem oddly familiar about this open.
Bill - I think Todd grabbed the cue cards from last years Superfans show where we first made the world aware of some momentous...
Pat - (interrupting) some might say earth shattering...
Todd - Earth shattering.
Bill - Truths about the mythologically heroic...
Carl - (interrupting) some might say larger-than-life
Todd - (very confused) Larger than life?
Bill - Mike Ditka.
All - Da Coach.
Todd - Should I say something else?
Bill - Last year it was brought to our attention by TheMan1 that our numbered list of Truths should all have been numbered #1, as all other numbers are afraid. We gave this serious consideration.
Carl - But after a lengthy discussion we ultimately decided against it.
Bill - Our biggest misgiving about it was the sheer amount of confusion it would cause when referencing back to one of the Truths.
Todd - I'm confused right now.
Pat - For example, if one were to say to a friend that has recently experienced a dropped cellular phone call; 'Excuse me friend, I notice your cell phone has recently dropped a call, that never happens to Mike Ditka. Don't believe me? Then see 'Truths About Da Coach' number 19."
Bill - While even though we acknowledge that a list full of solely #1's in a list pertaining to one of the Greatest men to ever walk the earth makes complete sense, we also need to be user friendly for all us mere mortals that read the list.
Carl - Henceforth, we will continue on the numbering of the list in numerical order.
Bill - It was a little over a year ago when we debuted Truths About Da Coach, and at that time we asked the fine readership of Windy City Gridiron to let us know some other little known Truths about Iron Mike Ditka. It will be with those Truths that we will kickoff this portion of the list, immediately afer we recap for you the initial 20 Truths:
1) Mike Ditka's beard doesn't grow out of respect for The Moustache.
2) During his playing days, Ditka had to register his stiff-arm as a lethal weapon.
3) Then during his coaching days he had to register his sharp wit and icy stare.
4) The LegendarySweater Vest is made with woven Kevlar thread, thus making it bulletproof. It's also fireproof because fire knows better than to mess with Da Coach.
5) You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Unless the horse is led by Mike Ditka, in which case the horse will do whatever the hell he's told.
6) Mike Ditka didn't cry at Brian's Song. Not because he wasn't moved, but because he doesn't cry.
7) Mike Ditka once called a 4th time out at the end of a game. The officials of course allowed it.
8) His Moustache has it's own P.O. Box, and it receives more fan mail than all the Cubs and White Sox players combined.
9) He was his High School Senior Prom King, as a 6th grader.
10) Mike Ditka doesn't put his pants on one leg at a time.
11) Seventy five percent of the Chuck Norris facts were in fact borrowed from Iron Mike Ditka. He'll take them back when he's ready.
12) Mike Ditka doesn't kick ass and take names, he only kicks ass. The asses he kicks will formulate a list for him on an Excel spreadsheet using the "Impact" typeface, size 14.
13) You know there's no such thing as a free lunch... unless Da Coach asks for one.
14) The "Most Interesting Man In The World" comes to Mike Ditka for advice.
15) One time while a young lad, someone made fun of the Ditka name. One time.
16) Mike Ditka can compare apples and oranges.
17) Mike Ditka once climbed Mt. Everest because it was a slow Tuesday.
18) If you go in the bathroom, turn off the lights, and say "Da Coach" 5 times while facing the mirror... Ditka will appear and slap the wussy right out of you.
19) His cell phone has never dropped a call.
20) In the 8th grade Mike Ditka won his school's Science Fair with a model of a working volcano. There were 17 other working volcano's made that day, but only one named Mount Ditka.
Carl - Riveting.
Pat - I made my kids all do #18, and I've never been prouder.
Bill - Now onto the Truths as brought to our attention by the WCG readers.
Todd - W C G, What's that spell?
Carl - Someone pour Todd a beer, and get him Maxwell Street Polish.
Bill - BigGeorgeTX brought these little nuggets to the table;
21) Ditka throws manhole covers around like they were nickels.
22) Ditka doesn't need to seek medical help when the Levitra works for more than 4 hours.
Bill - rdent4hof filled us all in on this interesting Truth;
Carl - I'd like to add a Truth onto that Truth.
Bill - Well, you're not really making an addendum more so as you're making a separate Truth.
Carl - But this Truth has something to do with Truth #23.
Bill - Yes, but to keep the good flow we have to this list, I think we should make your Truth, Truth #24.
Carl - Even if it's closely related to Truth #23?
Pat - Allow me to interject fellas, but I have to side with Bill on this one. Truth #23 is a solid Truth, any more would be overkill to that Truth. Carl, I'll ask you one singular question; Do you feel your Truth can stand alone?
Carl - Yes.
Pat - Then it's settled, on with Truth #24;
Carl - OK, here it is.
24) Blue Steel takes it's name from the beautiful "Blue" eyes of Da Coach, and the "Steel" is an ode to the Iron nickname that precedes Mike Ditka, hence Blue Steel.
Bill - I did not know that one. Well played Carl. Next up is a triple threat of Truths from the aforementioned TheMan1;
25) Batman has 2 phones, one Red for the Commissioner and 1 Blue and Orange for advice from Ditka.
26) Cigars light themselves out of respect.
27) When he sneezes, the correct response is Amen.
Todd - The GallopingGhost had this next one, and I'll have to admit I don't quite understand it.
Bill - This is nothing new.
28) Ditka has a typeface named after him. Although Clippy was afraid of it so it was dropped from Microsoft Word.
29) Ditka has himself on speed dial, because there are things only Ditka knows.
Bill - And now before we continue on with some more Truths, we'd like to throw it over to Todd, who just like last year, has prepared a short little poem about the Beloved.
Todd - What are you gonna throw at me?
Bill - Just say the poem Todd...
Todd - Thank you Bill, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't throw anything at me while I recite my latest poem. While my poem from last year was about the greatest team to ever set foot on a football field, Da '85 Bears
All - Da Bears!
Todd - The little ditty I've prepared for you today shall be about the 2011 version of our Monsters of the Midway. I've titled it, "Bears of Christmas Present".
All I want for Christmas is a Bears victory,
but I also want a Super Bowl win; Is that contradictory?
For you see on Christmas day the Beloved will travel to Green Bay,
so I hope in Santa's sleigh he packs a beer and sausage buffet
Carl - (whispering) I'm a big fan of beer and sausage buffet's.
Pat - (whispering) Is there any other kind?
I guess we're up to three things I now want for December 25th,
let's make it 4, as in 4 tickets to Lambeau, I have some friends I'd like to take with.
Bill - (whispering) This is beautiful... I may need a moment...
I'd like Julius Peppers to make the Packers O-Line pee again.
I'd like a Devin Hester touchdown return or two, don't you agree my friend?
Bill - (whispering and starting to weep) yes... yes I agree... my friend...
I'd like to tailgate with the man himself, Da Coach, Iron Mike,
and for Bill's brudder Bob, hows about a new mountain bike.
Bill - (whispering and sobbing) It's because Bob's doctor told him to exercise more, (sniffle sniffle) that 4th triple bypass took a lot out of him... Todd is so thoughtful...
I want an Urlacher pick that he can take to da house,
and for my wife I'd like a new orange and navy colored blouse.
Carl - (whispering) Smooth move getting in a wish for his wife.
Pat - (whispering) Even though it took ten wishes.
Todd - It's the thought that counts. May I continue...
I'd like to see Forrest Gregg, former player and coach of the Pack.
Carl - What?
So I might greet him with a swift and painful kick to the sack.
Carl - Oh?
Pat - That's always fun.
One more wish before I go, I just need to fit one more in,
I'd like to see a helmet shot underneath Aaron Rodgers chin.
Carl - You went a little violent there at the end, huh Todd?
Todd - I wanted it to be memorable.
Pat - Nothing says Merry Christmas than a dozen stitches on the chin.
Todd - A dozen stitches? Who said anything about a dozen stitches? I'd be happy with 4 or 5.
Carl - Always the humanitarian.
Bill - (wiping away his tears) Beautiful job as always Todd. Fellas, (he raises his beer) glasses up, and let's give a toast to a certain individual that has caused us all to gather on this day. A certain mustachioed gridiron great, that was robbed by a Dilferesque Adam Rank when he "ranked" the greatest NFL mustaches of all time and only gave this certain astonishing gentleman the 4th best stache. This certain awe-inspiring individual that has seen his legend grow throughout the city of Chicago, throughout the United States of America, and dare I say throughout the entire universe. Michael Keller Ditka.
All - Da Coach!!!
Bill - And without any further adieu, we give to you some More Truths About Da Coach;
30) When Mike Ditka is in the sun for any length of time he sweats SPF 30.
31) On unusually buggy days, Ditka sweats unscented Deet.
32) The first time Da Coach was pulled over for speeding he was let go without a warning.
33) The second time he was pulled over for speeding he issued the officer a ticket.
34) When ever Mike Ditka boards an aircraft the aircraft changes it's call sign to Bear Force One.
35) Sticks and stones will break your bones, but names will never hurt you, unless the words are spoken from an angry Mike Ditka.
36) Da Coach once won a staring contest with his eyes closed.
37) Mike Ditka ordered a Double Whopper with cheese at McDonalds and received it.
38) When Mike Ditka calculates pi it's decimal representation ends.
39) GPS asks Mike Ditka for directions.
40) Remember, no matter where you go in life, there you are. Unless Mike Ditka asks you to leave.
41) Gold is worth it's weight in Ditka.
42) Mike Ditka graduated at the head of his class, not because he had the highest GPA, but because he graduated at the head of his class.
43) He can judge a book by it's cover, and his judgment is final.
44) His front gate doesn't have a "Beware Of Dog" sign, it has a "Beware of Da Coach" sign.
45) Mike Ditka has the key to success, only he changed the locks.
46) Two wrongs don't make a right, unless Mike Ditka says they do.
47) His laptop is always connected to the internet.
48) You know those signs that say, Unauthorized Vehicles Will Be Towed... Mike Ditka's vehicles are always authorized.
Bill - We stumbled across two others from the fine folks at WCG, propheteer provided the inspiration for this one;
49) His mustache is listed on his organ donor card.
Bill - And Pete Dixon gave us this fine Truth;
50) His mustache alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body.
Bill - Those were some good Truths. We think we'll stop at an even 50.
Carl - Mike Singletary.
Pat - Samurai Mike.
Todd - Mike Ditka. (Bill, Pat, and Carl all look perplexed at Todd) Weren't we naming famous Chicago Mike's?
Bill - No. Todd... never mind... Now as we did last year, we'll look to you, Da Bears fans, to help us with some more Truths. This list should have a life of it's own and should continue to grow. Be sure to give us some more Truths, and maybe next year when we present, The Superfans Present: Even More Truths About Da Coach!, you can be included and have your name dropped like the fine fellas did earlier. We'd like to leave you with the fine piece of work done by the One 'Shop Stop photoshopping master himself, Mr. David Taylor.
Todd - Stay thirsty my Bears...
All - (raising their mugs of beer) Da Bears!!!