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Hyperbolic Truths in Week One

This is a still from a ten-minute video of Lovie on Sunday - he doesn't move until the 6:48 mark when he adjusted his headset.
This is a still from a ten-minute video of Lovie on Sunday - he doesn't move until the 6:48 mark when he adjusted his headset.

After fearing a work stoppage, the NFL got down to business just before the preseason was about to begin, allowing prognosticators to make their selections after hours minutes of thought as to the eventual playoff contenders, Super Bowl contenders, and also-rans (guess what category the Bears usually ended up in?). Since week one of the NFL season is in the books, I wanted to revel in the ridiculous and take a look at the supposed stone cold facts we've unearthed after one-seventeenth of the season is complete. Jump with me, leather.

Hyperbole in sports is as natural as steroids in 90's era baseball, and as annoying as Colin Cowherd. Jon Gruden, in my opinion, does a decent job on Monday Night Football, but his incessant praise of just about everything from pass protection to stadium light quality ("Mike, these lights here are fantastic! I mean, you couldn't get better lighting if you were sitting on the sun!") takes away from any actual information he provides. Over the top predictions and snap judgement decisions based on a limited amount of data leaves people making grandiose statements in the short-term about things that eventually prove to be untrue, or least a bit premature (i.e. Urlacher's injury a few years ago robbing him of his effectiveness).

We all end up making these statements (Roy Williams is a bum! Sanzenbacher is a stud!) or listen/read these over the top comments being made by various media sources, or maybe our friends or co-workers. (Full disclosure: a 'Skins fan-friend of mine actually asked me if I wish I had Grossman on the team still instead of Cutler... I responded in the most mature way I knew how, by screaming profanities at him about Rex, Dan "the Snake" Snyder, and how I would come at him like a spider monkey.

So, based on the over-exaggeration of information gathered from week one, here's some Hyperbolic Truths that you should (not) take to the bank, or your bookie (if you're into that sorta thing), or defend to the death in discussions with friends, family, or co-workers:

  • The Colts, without Peyton Manning, are the worst team in the NFL.
  • Ben Tate is the next Arian Foster, and Chris Johnson is the next Rashaan Salaam.
  • The Bears defense is okay with Urlacher, terrible without him.
  • The Packers have no weaknesses, will repeat, and/or take over the world with a Cheesehead revolution.
  • Cam Newton is the best rookie quarterback ever.
  • With opening game wins, the Bills, Redskins, Lions, Texans, and 49ers are all good teams and are going to the playoffs.
  • Redemption has a price, and apparently it's $100 mil over six years, even if you complete less than fifty percent of your passes.
  • Apparently when you beat a red-headed quarterback, he leaves the game and is questionable for next week.
  • ESPN's new QBR rating is gospel, since Dilfer created it to prove Cutler sucks as a quarterback.
  • Tony Romo will never win a Super Bowl because he'll choke away every single chance he has.

Any other ridiculous things you've heard/read after week one? Throw them onto the compost pile in the comments section.