Bob - Welcome one and all, to what has become da most anticipated segment on Windy City Gridiron. Bob Swerski's Superfans Predict da 2012 Chicago Bears Season.
Pat - Far be it from me to point out the obvious, but the name of fine show has, and will always be Bill Swerski's Superfans Predict da 2012 Bears Season. And you my friend are not Bill.
Bob - No I'm not my brudder Bill, but I'm here, and he's AWOL. So if you don't mind I'll be the one steering the Orange colored ship, with Navy Blue racing stripes down the side of said ship, and a Ditka Hot Sauce powered motor, with an airbrushed picture of the Mt. Rushmore of Chicago Bears football; Sweetness, Papa Bear, Da Coach, and Chris Zorich; painted on da fore of said ship, and da cleverly witted name, "Bearing Down", scripted across the aft.
Carl - Wait a minute... Just wait a minute... Did you say your boats name is "Bearing Down"? My boat's name is "Bearing Down"!
Pat - I have a Confession to make. My boat has the same moniker. Great minds really do think alike.
Todd - Yes they do. What's an aft?
Bob - Since my brudder Bill doesn't have time for da show this year...
Pat - (Interrupting) Wait a minute there Bob, just where is Bill?
Bob - Let's just say that he and da Misses had a disagreement over some green and gold bath towels they received as a gift from his In-Laws. One thing led to another, his father in law allegedly received the mother of all towel snaps, there may or may not have been involvement from da authorities, and dat anklet Bill now wears isn't exactly a fashion choice.
Todd - I bought some green and gold washcloths from a garage sale once.
Carl - Blasphemer!!!
Todd - To wipe my ass with!
Pat - Well played.
Bob - Gentlemen, might we get on with our show?
Pat - We might.
Carl - Agreed.
Todd - I mean I really got in there and mucked up those washcloths.
Bob - Let us get back on point my friends. I'm your host Bob Swerski, and along side me are my fellow Superfans Pat Arnold, Carl Wollarski, and Todd O'Conner. And today we'll be bring you the prediction for the twenty twelve Chicago Bears season. Hoist your mugs fellas to... Da Bears!
All - Da Bears!!!
Bob - Allow me to paint a picture to erase the image of Todd and his rear wiping adventure out of our minds. Home opener, Soldier Field, and our beloved Bears hosting the Indianapolis Colts and their rookie number 1 draft pick Andrew Luck.
Pat - I think this will be Lucks lucky day, he'll be able to make his NFL debut and announce his retirement from football all in the same afternoon.
Todd - With a noon kickoff in Chicago I'll predict 12:03pm as the time Luck pisses his pants for the first time since he was a wee lad.
Carl - I concur, and I also see a very big day for new Bears wide-out Brandon Marshall. I'll set the over/under for week 1 receptions at 15.
Bob - Easy der Carl, with a line like dat you'll be paying out on da over. I'd bump it up to 20.
Carl - Agreed. 20 it is. And da Bears win 49-3
All - Da Bears!!!
Bob - Week 2 and it feels good to get the trip to Green Bay outa da way quickly with a Thursday nighter. The only thing worse than a trip to Wisconsin in September is a trip to Wisconsin in January.
Todd - Funny story here, did you know I'm banned from da state of Wisconsin?
Bob - I can't say I'm surprised, but how did you manage to get banned from Cheeseland.
Todd - Let's just say a certain Governor wasn't too pleased with what I did with those green and gold washcloths.
Pat - That's nasty... well done my friend.... but you're nasty.
Carl - I predict Julius Peppers will Discount Double Check Aaron Rodgers into the (doing his best John Facenda impression) 'Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field'...
Pat - Excuse me my friend, but perhaps you weren't paying attention, this game is in September, and I highly doubt a frozen playing surface would be in da cards.
Carl - What I meant was Julius Peppers would fly into Aaron Rodgers so hard and fast that the ensuing force would propel them through the air, flying like Superman and circling the globe numerous times, until at which time da planet Earth will begin to rotate on it's axis in the opposite direction, and time itself would begin to rewind, until Peppers and Rodgers landed back on the 'Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field' on January 2nd of 2011. And at dat time, present Peppers would line up opposite past Peppers and our beloved Bears would go on to win that regular season finale, thus knocking the Packers outa da playoffs, and Da Bears would go on to roll through the post season and dismantle those Pittsburgh Steelers in da Super Bowl by a score of 34-0.
Bob - That my friend is the Mother of all saves...
All - Da Bears!
Bob - Week 3 and St. Louis comes to Chicago. What say yous fellas?
Pat - Seriously the Rams? The only way the Rams could even score a point is if it was the Greatest Show On Turf Rams team.
Carl - And Marshall Faulk isn't walking through that door!
Pat - Kurt Warner ain't walking through that Door!
Carl - Isaac Bruce ain't walking through that door!
Pat - Mike Martz isn't walking through that door!
Todd - But if he did I'd punch him in da throat.
All - Da Throat!
Bob - So far there's a bit of violence being spewed from our panel today... and I like it. But on to week 4 and a Monday night contest as Da Bears travel to Dallas to take on the Cowboys.
Todd - Actually it's not in Dallas, it's in Arlington, Texas.
Bob - Someone been giving Todd ginkgo biloba sausage again?
Todd - I didn't know Rocky Balboa made sausage.
Bob - Gink - go - Bil - oba! Oh never mind...
Todd - I just know it's in Arlington because I'm banned from Arlington too.
Carl - What'd you do in Arlington?
Todd - I threw up on a Texas Ranger, and I'm not talking one of the baseball variety.
Pat - I was there, and it was ugly. After he vomited on the Ranger, he told him that Chuck Norris was a Pansie, and that Mike Ditka was twice da man that Walker, Texas Ranger was.
All - Da Coach!
Bob - It's time for da week 5 match up between our Monsters of the Midway and the Jags of Jacksonville.
Pat - Me and Mrs. Arnold were fortunate enough to acquire some tickets to this game and we'll be weekending in Jacksonville. Friday and Saturday we'll be taking in the fine seafood dining and doing a little boutique shopping. Then on Sunday we'll have 50 yard line tickets to witness da Bears roll to a 69-0 shut out victory, highlighted by 3 Henry Melton 1 yard touchdown plunges.
Carl - Wow, 69-0, you sure seem awfully sure of yourself.
Pat - Number one, I've never witnessed a Bears defeat in person, and seeing as how my tickets will place my tuchis squarely in what ever they are calling the Jacksonville stadium these days, I will be be "in person". And number two, our beloved Bears are playing the Jags. And have I mentioned the Jags really suck.
Pat - I'd like to pile on to your prediction. I believe this is da first time we've played the Jags since the tweet heard round Chicago, where MJD...
Todd - (interrupting) If those really are his initials!
Pat - I believe they are.
Bob - Yep, Maurice Jones Drew, would translate to MJD.
Carl - I concur, it is MJD.
Pat - As I was saying, that uncalled for Tweet he sent out a couple years ago taking at shot at our quarterback; The middle finger flipping, F-Bomb dropping, rocket arm himself, Midway Jay Cutler, was undoubtedly uncalled for. And I know for a fact, that the real reason he's currently holding out isn't about money...
Todd - (interrupting) It's always about da money!
Pat - It's NOT about da money, it's because he's hoping his hold out drags along all the way past this particular week 5 match up, and he can avoid his long deserved ass whipping at da hands of our monstrous Defense.
All - Da Bears!!!
Bob - Well done fellas... Next up is week six, and dat is da Bears bye week, and in honor of the bye I'd like to take a second and say a little something to Bill who I know is tuning in at home. Bill, your little brudder misses you (Bob starts to get a little weepy) and us Superfans raise a mug to you. (sniffle sniffle) I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional ... See you in 30 days my friend!
Pat - We all do miss you Bill, try and avoid having another grabber by keeping yourself active whilst on house arrest.
Bob - And that takes us to the 2nd Monday nighter for our beloved Bears, and a Soldier Field match-up against the criminally inept Lions.
Carl - At the rate the Lions are being locked up, will they even have enough players to field a team in week 7?
Pat - Highly unlikely my friend, so I predict Da Bears will send only their practice squad to Chicago to face Detroit, thus giving their regulars an extra week off, leaving the final score a mere 27-14 in favor of Da Bears.
All - Da Bears!
Bob - Carolina Panthers are coming to town next and I don't see how this game can even be within 4 scores.
Pat - Matt Forte will have his customary big game against them, to the tune of 2 hundo wit 4 tuddys.
Todd - My favorite Teddy of all time is Ted Washington.
Pat - Tuddy? Tuddy as in touchdown. You know, a tuddy?
Todd - What are you talking about?
Pat - 48-5 Bears win!
All - Da Bears!
Bob - The next two weeks opponents bring out an interesting conundrum. I'm personally perplexed by the back to back weeks of facing the Tennessee Titans who used to be the Houston Oilers, followed up by the Houston Texans who took their moniker from the Dallas Texans, who played one lone NFL season back in 1952. All the town swapping just brings me to a dark place.
Carl - These things happen, teams move. They change nicknames.
Bob - Yes, I know, but I don't like it. Houston to Tennessee, then a new Houston is formed, and to top it off they take the name of the team that I hate with nearly as much unbridled passion at the Green Bay Packers.
Pat - This sounds serious, you despise the Texans nearly as much as Green Bay? Please Explain.
Bob - Buckle down my friends, this is a story that I've never told, but now is a good a time as any for me to get this off my chest. The reason I have a deep rooted hatred for the name 'Texans' is because of something that happened when I was a small Superfan.
Todd - Is this gonna be long, I have to pee.
Bob - The year 1952, the place Akron, Ohio, the day Thanksgiving Day, and the game, our Beloved Chicago Bears facing the winless Dallas Texans. This was the first game I ever attended live in person and my pops took me to see this particular game to ensure my first experience with our fine team was a victory.
Todd - I'm confused.
Pat - While I'm not surprised by Todd's befuddlement, I am a bit confused myself, why were the Texans playing in Ohio?
Bob - The Texans were so bad, and in such financial troubles, that they moved the franchise to Pennsylvania for the last few games of the season.
Carl - Wait, why were they in Ohio then?
Bob - If you gentlemen would all keep quiet, I'll explain. They were moved to Hersey, PA, but they kept the name Dallas Texans, and they played this particular home game in Akron. It makes perfect sense... You see da Bears were struggling through this '52 season, so pops knew the short trip to Akron would Christen my Bearsdom with a victory. Chicago Bears legendary head coach Papa Bear Halas was so confident our boys would slay the pathetic Texans that day that he started his second string players. The Bears lost 27-23 and I've hated the Texans ever since.
Carl - That's a tough one my friend.
Bob - It's worse, Da Swerski household didn't celebrate Thanksgiving again until 1980.
Bill - (Bill walks into the room) And that's also why we send Dave Williams a Christmas Card every year.
All - BILL!
Bill - My friends, this is a great time for us to take a break, so we all might catch our breath. We'll see you again next time when we finish making our predictions for da 2012 Chicago Bears season.
Todd - When did Bill get here?
Editor: How did Bill beat the house arrest? Do the Superfans realize they they haven't predicted all the games so far? Will Bill right the ship and give us some actual predictions in Part 2? The answers to these questions and more, can be found right here in Part 2!