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Preseason game 1: Broncos 31, Bears 3 - The Best of the In-Game Threads

Peyton Manning informs his linemen that he'll pop a cap in their collective arses if they let him get sacked.
Peyton Manning informs his linemen that he'll pop a cap in their collective arses if they let him get sacked.

Football's baaaaack! Sort of. Between the pre-game and actual game threads, we racked up just over 2,000 comments. Hit the jump to see the best as we digested the pile of dilf that we were served up in a game that doesn't matter.

Hot on the heels of Alex Brown's 1-day contract with the Bears...
C-Razzle: I think Alex Brown should sack Manning one time just for [Edit: dilfs] and giggles.

After Brad Biggs tweeted that there would be no Jay Cutler in the game...
75bearsfan: My guess is that means no Payton...
Kev H: I would hope so, he's been dead for a while. OH, you meant Peyton.
Allie: well played
Dils: Not really.
Kev H: Banned.
Dils: Before the 1st preseason game. Gotta be a record!

True, dat.
@fakeforte: omfg j isnt playin now wat a pussy its that dum kid now he wants to go get his nails done
@FakeDevinHester: ya i no wtf y do we gota play u no
David in Maine: Damn... even the fake Devin Hester is impossible to understand...

That was still better than Jay Gruden loving "this guy" entirely too much.
whoyouthoughtiwas: what game are you guys watching while waiting for the bears
suckmyditka: my satelite saying "loading" for 45 min now

It was posted on Aug 6th and, at time of writing, is still there.
Balkan Bear: Yes Dionne, I'm ready for football. I’m not ready for Gould at NT though.

After my fortnight of watching the Italian women's Beach Volleyball team and the female hurdlers, more evidence that Allie really is my long-lost half-sister.
Sam Householder: I really wish I could be the official photographer for the Bears and shoot all their photos.
Allie: me too! broad shoulders and tight pants with telephoto zoom? sign me up
Sam Householder: Well for me, not so much that

If it happens, you know who to blame...
Kev H: Holy [Edit: dilf] guys. I seriously need to buy the Golden Age of Country
CloudyFuture: I been meaning to ask when is justin beiber 1 direction week at the Bears Den...

Allie later complained about a sore back and disappeared from the game thread. The truth will out.
pkftw: According to WBBM, game has been moved back to 7:35PM. Adjust your schedule accordingly
Allie: i do not have enough thin mints to pull that off! dammit

I've heard about the blindness and the hairy palms. Is that stage three?
TheMan1: So happy for football. If I had to watch womens diving anymore this week my testicles might fall off

A hot woman walked into a bar and asked the barman for a Double Entendre, so he gave her one.
Kev H: Wet balls will often slip into someone else's hands.
UrsusMaritimus: Our coverage is softer than an old man's [Edit: peepee] without a viagra
T.Moore: And Kev H got beat
Kev H: NO NO NO. His was just vulgar. Mine was a classy double entendre

Shaun the Sheepshagger only had sex with a sheep the one time, but forever after that it was all he was known for...
Cutler6fan8: Surprising hands by Wright. Pretty tough looking catch. Also, didn’t injure a teammate

Well, he wasn't up to anything else that evening...
suckmyditka: Well good news - if my satellite goes out again Julius Peppers has volunteered to sit on my roof and pick up Dish Network with his ears

How bad was our offense? You don't get commentary like this on the networks.
Doshi: That was the most pathetic offensive series I've seen since Caleb Hanie.

In the words of frenchbears113: Shhh..... ThorCo might hear you
Acreman20: STELTZ!
awfullyquiet: He looks like chad kroeger.
T.J. Shouse: I don't know who that's a bigger insult to

Biggest laugh of the evening had nothing to do with the game.
UrsusMaritimus: Roses are red / Violets are blue / I have a knife / Get in the van

What T.J. said...
UrsusMaritimus: I think that we all should be one big happy bears family win or lose :)
T.J. Shouse: Said the creepy man in the windowless van

My brain kept telling me we were splitting TEs out wide.
Sir Buckets: The fact that my brain has been so deprived of tall receivers that anyone over 6’2" at the wideout position looks weird is a testament to Angelo’s incompetence.

Good point, well made.
DaHamsta: Why not go for it, it's not like the points matter
Digs D-League: Punt coverage needs preseason snaps too
badsamaritan: They've had the entire first half.

Now we know what Just Dave was doing instead of watching the game!
Just Dave: So. I need an honest assessment by fellow bloggers I trust.
beefcurtains: i like tater tots.
Just Dave: Fantastic. I’m a huge fan of naked fishing. Refreshing!

crackedcactus: Sooo... did Denver cut Hanie during halftime already? Cause I don’t even see him on the sideline anymore.....

Heh 2.
crackedcactus: Heh Webb still out there... Think JWebb nation shrank tonight...
Digs D-League: From 5 to 3

Maelvampyre: we're hanging in there to the bitter end. Wanda is rusty and needs the reps

WCG: Where we look out for one another.
75bearsfan: Nice grab!
Maelvampyre: i wish i had a nickle for every woman that has told me that
MidWayMonster54: So you'd have a nickle ? Dude if you need a nickle I got you bro.

To be fair, "versatile" doesn't equate to "competent"!
crackedcactus: Gag. “Bears Lineman are very versatile”
LostInSTL: Yep... they can suck ass at more than one position!

He might need a few of those for more than one locker (#cough# J-Webb Burger Nation).
beartopia: cwill o god beat by a 4th stringer
gafferland: if I were Tice I’d have a McDonalds uniform hanging in his locker post game.

It's not a game thread without the former Mr Thompson pushing the envelope.
Just Dave: He baits teams into feeling like they're better than we are. Then he springs the trap. He’s the master baiter of all coaches.
Jack's Elsewhere: This comment turned me on.

I concur.
Maelvampyre: time to let the air out of wanda
Just Dave: And that is EXACTLY how every open thread should end.

A corking start to the preseason! If only the on-field action could match, but we have two more to go (three if you count the fourth preseason game... hmmm). Join us for the next game on Saturday, when the Sex Cannon returns to Soldier Field. Lock up your uteruses.