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Oh, football, how you tease us.
Games that should be good are bad. Games that should be bad are surprisingly entertaining. Teams that should obliterate struggle, and teams that should suck put up valiant, but losing, efforts.
Knowing which games to watch can really be tough. On the one hand, you could stay up to date on thirty-two NFL teams, knowing the strengths and weaknesses of each. Or, you could read this article.
None of you liked my power ranked version from two weeks ago, which thankfully didn't take me any time or anything to create. "MORE PICTURES," you said. "WE NEED PICTURE REPRESENTATION OF THE THINGS WE DON'T LIKE."
Well, I've delivered. This week I'm bring you the Pizza/Pickle version of the Watchability Index.
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This is a picture of a deep dish pizza, a favorite of the Chicagoland area. This is a symbol of things that are good and right with the world. Looking at this is tantamount to gazing into your child's eyes for the first time* or possibly one of those videos where a kid gets surprised by their enlisted parent showing up at their ball game. |
These are pickles. Leaving aside the fact that I personally think they taste like someone asked me to eat something that had been sitting around in battery acid, they are now a representation of everything that is bad about anything thanks to Jimmy "Pickles" Clausen. |
I really feel like you get the gist of how the rest of this works at this point. See an awesome pizza, stuff's going to be alright. See a gross pickle, don't watch that game. And as always, my observations about what may or may not happen in that game are also there.
| Baltimore @ Pittsburgh | |
| Thursday, 7:25pm CST | |
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The vaunted Marc Trestman offense, led by elite(?) quarterback Joe "The Brow" Flacco heads to Pittsburgh to take on a Steelers team being led by quarterback Mike Vick. I'm anticipating turnovers. overthrows, and screen passes. This is a real heck of a way to kick off your weekend, boys and girls. Can the Ravens pick up a win? No probably not, but let's all watch anyways because we don't want to watch Scandal until it's DVR'd. |
| New York Jets @ Miami but in London because why the hell not, right? | |
| Sunday, 8:30am CST | |
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Aw, what a real piece of garbage. The 2-1 Jets take on the 1-2 Dolphins in London because the NFL seems to think everyone is really jonesing to watch an early morning kickoff. It's never like, Patriots/Packers or something, though. It's just a whole lot of meh flying across the pond. Also, apparently the Jets are taking a lot of toilet paper with them. |
| Houston @ Atlanta | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | |
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Atlanta's going to win this game. It's basically already decided. I will stop just short of promising that they cover the spread if you are interested in gambling on it. This game'll be a real Clausen. Also, really digging the culture that Bill O'Brien has established. Not wanting to disturb the boat, he has high school gym teachered his way right back to the bottom of the AFC South. |
| New York Giants @ Buffalo | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | |
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Rex Ryan's defense will do terrible things to Eli Manning for this game, but the Giants will still end up winning by a field goal or something because that's just entirely too likely for this matchup. |
| Oakland @ Chicago | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | |
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This one gets a pizza for the Bears, but oh man, it's got the chance to be a real heartbreaker. Like maybe there's some pickles on the pizza or something. Not knowing as of this writing who will actually be playing for the Bears, I'm going to assume that the Raiders put up about 300 yards passing, 2 air TDs, 1 ground TD, a long kickoff return. Can the Bears answer? Let's find out. |
| Kansas City @ Cincinnati | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | |
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This game should be a fun back and forth. I dunno, because I won't be watching it, but I can easily see either of these two teams winning. Not knowing makes it at least enjoyable. |
| Jacksonville @ Indianapolis | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | |
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Indianapolis has a real knack for doing boneheaded stuff, and they'll probably leave the division rival Jaguars in this game a lot longer than they have any right to be. Also, it'll be fun to see if Luck can keep up his turnovers to make me not feel so bad about Jay Cutler. |
| Carolina @ Tampa Bay | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | |
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Cam Newton'll do some stuff. Lovie'll maintain a slow approach. This game will end with a two touchdown win by the Panthers. |
| Philadelphia @ Washington | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | |
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Chip Kelly is a weird guy, man. I dunno what is going on with his team. It's sorta like when you play Madden, but you change the playbooks from the one you always use into some other team. Then, when you need it, you have no idea where your go-to play is and you inevitably end up calling FB dive. |
| Cleveland @ San Diego | |
| Sunday, 3:05pm CST | |
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When Josh McCown gets hurt, Cleveland will win this game. San Diego won't know what to do, so they'll move to Los Angeles. |
| St. Louis @ Arizona | |
| Sunday, 3:25pm CST | |
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The Rams defense should be able to give the Cardinals fits, but the Cardinals are really rolling right now. This should be a legitimately good game. So good news, you can only get it in parts of Illinois, Missouri, and Indiana. Hope everyone else enjoys Green Bay and Minnesota games. |
| Minnesota @ Denver | |
| Sunday, 3:25pm CST | |
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Speaking of Minnesota games, this is how this game will go. Peyton wlll shake off some old man dust. The Broncos will take the lead in the 3rd and never lose it. |
| Green Bay @ San Francisco | |
| Sunday, 4:25pm CST | |
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Until this year, and specifically last week, this would have ABSOLUTELY been a pizza game. If the 49ers play like they did against Arizona, don't be surprised when Rodgers has 9 TDs. |
| Dallas @ New Orleans | |
| Sunday, 7:30pm CST | |
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Brees thinks he can play. Romo probably won't. I think this game has the potential to be wild, though. |
| Detroit @ Seattle | |
| Monday, 8:30pm CST | |
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Expect this game to go a lot like Bears/Seahawks did, but Detroit will at least try passing it so they probably won't get shut out. On a side note, if the Bears win Sunday then maybe the Lions can at least return to being the bottom of the NFC North barrel for a while. |