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Oh football. You never fail to disappoint.
Most times you watch a football game, you see these jabronis who always think inside the box. They throw the ball with their hands. They catch the ball with their hands. They kick the ball with their feet. Lather, rinse, repeat.
But sometimes, someone will rise to the challenge and take the game to another level.
In 2012, embattled New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez felt the need for something different. In a big, nationally televised match against the division rival New England Patriots, Sanchez knew he needed to make a special play. Scratch that, he knew WE needed him to make a special play.
That play was the butt fumble.
Thought to be the ultimate butt-related football play, it has for years stood the test as the gold standard of ways to be terrible in football while basing your play around the human rear end. Many thought that we were unlikely to see another noteworthy instance.
Then, when all seemed lost, the Browns (giggle) gave us the ultimate example of how to positively use your hind quarters to play football in their overtime win vs the Ravens. (Also, Josh McCown set a Browns record for passing, so...yeah.)
AND LO, WE WERE BEQUEATHED THE BUTTCATCH.
In case you're not familiar, you'll see gifs of each below. In the interest of not loading the same 2 animated gifs a total of 14 times, this week I've put each under a header. The scale is of course, as follows:
Buttcatch: These games are legit. They are a thing you would want to happen.
Buttfumble: Oh. No no no. This is not good. You don't want this.
Let's dive in, shall we?
This week's games
Buttcatches |
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Thursday, 7:25pm CST | ||
Away | Atlanta Falcons | Why is this game a buttcatch? Because it will involve the Saints losing, which is always a fun thing for me. It's been a fun thing for me ever since that time the Bears ruined their lives in the playoffs and Reggie Bush taunted while down late. |
Home | New Orleans Saints | |
Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
Away | Chicago Bears |
I tried this last week, and it didn't work, completely. The Bears won, but not by 10+ points. So I'm doing it again. Bears by 10+ points. |
Home | Detroit Lions | |
Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
Away | Cincinnati Bengals |
I just feel like Rexy Ryan's got something in store for the Bengals, and maybe knock them off that high horse they're riding around on just because they're undefeated.
The combined record of of Cincinnati's defeated opponents is 8-17. Let's not give them their parade quite yet.
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Away | Buffalo Bills | |
Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
Away | Houston Texans | Here me out on this one. So this is the deal. Bill O'Brien, who looks sort of like if you crossed Billy Zane with Kevin Costner, is going to take his dumpster team to battle another dumpster team. Barring a tie, one of them will end up 1-5. My money is that Houston plays two different quarterbacks, loses, and then starts a tackling dummy next week. |
Home | Jacksonville Jaguars | |
Sunday, 3:25pm CST | ||
Away | Carolina Panthers | I don't think Seattle is as bad as we've seen, though I'm not convinced they're great. They should right their ship this weekend while handling Carolina their first defeat. if this game was in Carolina, it would absolutely be theirs to lose. |
Home | Seattle Seahawks | |
Sunday, 7:30pm CST | ||
Away | New England Patriots |
Really this is a buttcatch primarily because it will be the only game on at this point. Honest question, though. It looks like Luck is going to start. If he comes out and throws another 2 or 3 interceptions, do you have to consider benching him and putting Hasselbeck in? Would Pagano do that? |
Home | Indianapolis Colts | |
Monday, 7:30pm CST | ||
Away | New York Giants | Divisional matchups can be compelling. Or, in this case, we'll see who can screw up as little as possible. |
Home | Philadelphia Eagles |
Buttfumbles |
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Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
Away | Denver Broncos | Ugh. Bad Peyton vs. Bad Browns. Don't expect a McCown repeat. I'd imagine you're probably looking at 180 yards, 2 picks, and 5 sacks from Josh because that's how Josh do. |
Home | Cleveland Browns | |
Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
Away | Kansas City Chiefs | I don't want to, thanks. Also, Minnesota will win because I don't think Travis Kelce can catch every 6 yard pass Smith throws and do enough to win. |
Home | Minnesota Vikings | |
Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
Away | Washington | There was a debate in some comments about whether Washington was garbage. I can confirm, they are. Jets will win, and nobody will care except maybe Showtime. |
Home | New York Jets | |
Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
Away | Arizona Cardinals | Arizona wins this game. Prewritten conclusions are boring, they're the vastly superior team. (This is me trying to jinx them.) |
Home | Pittsburgh Steelers | |
Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
Away | Miami Dolphins | The Dolphins have new coaches. Well, sorta. Anyways, they're not going anywhere this year, so why not pregame for the NLCS? (Or just watch the Bears.) |
Home | Tennessee Titans | |
Sunday, 3:25pm CST | ||
Away | San Diego Chargers | San Diego will be in the game for about a quarter and a half, and then they'll make a mistake and have to punt one time and then spend the rest of the game 2 touchdowns behind. |
Home | Green Bay Packers | |
Sunday, 3:25pm CST | ||
Away | Baltimore Ravens | If Marc Trestman calls a screen pass, and San Francisco sorta defends it, does anyone care? |
Home | San Francisco 49ers |
What games do you want to watch? Probably the Chicago Cubs. That's fair.