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When the Bears don't play, you get a great opportunity to see teams you might not otherwise see play too often. Many times that turns out to be unpleasant.
Fundamentally, every game this week is bad, due to the lack of Chicago involved. Most of the good teams are on bye, too.
After a lot of research, we here at WCG discovered a new scale on which you can rank the badness of things.
The Ducassian Evaluation System
The premise of this system is simple. 1 Ducasse = 1 Unit of Bad. The higher a game's Ducassian number is, the worse the game is. Make sense? You're right it does.
(Note: Vladimir Ducasse is likely a totally legit dude. He just looks so damn lost on the play in question that it's hard not to use him for this system. If this was four years ago, this would be the J'Marcian Evaluation System)
The picture in the table below highlights the example of 1 Ducasse. You'll see that anything he could theoretically do wrong in the world of blocking happens in this play. Get it? Got it? Good. Let's get to it.
Week 7 Ducassian Values |
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| Thursday, 7:25pm CST | ||
| Away | Seattle Seahawks |
Badness rating: 15 Ducasses 2 years ago this would have been an EPIC Thursday night game. Now we have two teams that are two games behind .500, and are way behind where they used to be. Sometimes they say your window shuts quickly. It seems like in the case of the 49ers, some guy came over, slammed it on your fingers, and then hammered some nails in to make sure that window never opens again. |
| Home | San Francisco 49ers | |
| Sunday, 8:30am CST | ||
| Away | Buffalo Bills |
Badness rating: 27 Ducasses Jacksonville, you make sure never to change. On the heels of announcing they'll play in London for another five years, Jacksonville is dragging a doomed Buffalo team to make the trip. Thankfully, you can only watch this game on Youtube, so the players' parents and maybe their aunts and uncles will watch. |
| Home | Jacksonville Jaguars | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
| Away | Minnesota Vikings |
Badness Rating: 73 Ducasses
Full disclosure: I dislike these teams immensely. Fortunately this game will only be on your tv if you're in all of those northern states no one cares about.
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| Away | Detroit Lions | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
| Away | New Orleans Saints |
Badness Rating: 20 Ducasses The Saints are coming off a big divisional win against the Falcons. The Colts maintain a tenuous hold on the AFC South. Either way, we all lose. |
| Home | Indianapolis Colts | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
| Away | Pittsburgh Steelers |
Badness Rating: 45 Ducasses The Chiefs suck. The Chiefs suck so bad that the Bears beat them. Pittsburgh's not great either. So ugh. Just ugh. |
| Home | Kansas City Chiefs | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
| Away | Houston Texans |
Badness Rating: 29 Ducasses The Dolphins fired Philbin and immediately got better. So that's a thing. More importantly, Bill O'Brien looks like if you crossed late 90s VIncent D'onofrio with Hank Hill. |
| Home | Miami Dolphins | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
| Away | New York Jets |
Badness Rating: 18 Ducasses The Patriots will win this game. If you think otherwise you're nuts. That said, I think the Jets give them more of a run than they are expecting. |
| Home | New England Patriots | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
| Away | Cleveland Browns |
Badness Rating: 83 Ducasses Oy. Oh boy. No thanks. Just, no. I don't want to. You can't make me. A brief list of things better than this: sprained ankles, spilling sauce on your tie, that feeling like you didn't shut and lock the door when you left the house. |
| Home | St. Louis Rams | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
| Away | Atlanta Falcons |
Badness Rating: 26 Ducasses The Falcons are going to want to make someone pay for what happened against New Orleans. Here's where the Titans come in. |
| Home | Tennessee Titans | |
| Sunday, 12:00pm CST | ||
| Away | Tampa Bay Buccaneers |
Badness Rating: 118 Ducasses In the comments, let's play a game where we all decide what excuse Jay Gruden will make for Kirk Cousins after he throws 3 picks against Lovie's zone defense. |
| Home | Washington | |
| Sunday, 3:05pm CST | ||
| Away | Oakland Raiders |
Badness Rating: 46 Ducasses The battle for the middle of the AFC West. Exciting stuff, right? No. It's not. Rivers will have an 88 passer rating and we'll all take a nap during the 3rd quarter. |
| Home | San Diego Chargers | |
| Sunday, 3:25pm CST | ||
| Away | Dallas Giants |
Badness Rating: 33 Ducasses This would be a lower rating if Tony Romo was around. As conditioned, it's not great. Also, I switched the names of these two teams around just to see if anyone actually reads the things I write on the side here. |
| Home | New York Cowboys | |
| Sunday, 7:30pm CST | ||
| Away | Philadelphia Eagles |
Badness Rating: 9 Ducasses This, I think, is legitimately the game of the week, which is crazy because it's in the prime slot. So, Panthers by 13. |
| Home | Carolina Panthers | |
| Monday, 7:30pm CST | ||
| Away | Baltimore Ravens |
Badness Rating: 34 Ducasses The Ravens are bad now. The Cardinals are generally pretty good. This is the kind of Monday night game that will bore you by q2, and by golly, there's no awesome Force Awakens trailer to save this one. |
| Home | Arizona Cardinals | |