It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Happy holidays, people!
Christmas is only a few days away, so Kris Kringle is getting set to pack his sleigh with presents for some Chicago Bears. Yes, even Santa does his shopping on Amazon. Hey, it’s a nice seamless process, and it’s the 21st century. You have to adapt with the times.
Just to be safe, some of these Bears might be well served to leave a plate of cookies or something to help suck up to the big guy.
Let’s take a look at gifts the well-behaved, or not-so-nice Bears should be set to receive from Santa.
John Fox: ‘The Complete Handbook of Clock Management’ (Rev. 2016)
It’s no secret the Bears head man has had issues effectively managing time during his lengthy head coaching career. In his 15th NFL season, it has to be wearing on a coach who just wants to enjoy the holidays with his family in peace, without worrying if there’s enough time to venture about among his “favorite” in-laws: let alone using timeouts properly.
This book is affordable, concise, and should offer Fox a new vision in simple clarity of common sense.
Alshon Jeffery, Jerrell Freeman: Prescription reading glasses
It was a shame when Jeffery and Freeman were both suspended for four games according to the NFL’s performance-enhancing drug policy earlier this season, because of how it happened. Beyond any individual responsibility for what they put into their body, has anyone considered they just forgot to read the labels on whatever supplement, medicine, etc. they took?
Or, more likely, both guys need a new prescription for glasses. Of course, take in account being near-sighted or far-sighted. Some people also have astigmatism after all.
Not to worry, VisionWorks and LensCrafters have plans for every contingency.
For future easy reading reference, the gift of adjusted sight to Freeman and Jeffery. Come to think of it, they have been squinting a lot lately.
Leonard Floyd: Protein powder, walkie talkies
The Bears’ prized first-round pick has been making waves this year with his play and development, but it hasn’t come without sacrifice.
He’s been away from his family and two sons, while adjusting to NFL life on a strict nutrition plan to gain weight to optimal playing size. Floyd has a bright future with the Bears. There’s no better way to help him further acclimate to it by offering him means to have a little fun talking with his sons in walkie talkies for when they visit Floyd in Chicago. A way to connect.
As far as the weight, well, your local generic GNC or nutritional store could provide this protein for the slender 24-year-old. I know what you’re thinking: the Bears may already have a detailed and comprehensive plan set out for their rookie to put on quality weight.
But a little extra wouldn’t necessarily hurt.
Akiem Hicks: Any run-of-the-mill gift card
This is still just the first season for the 27-year-old in Chicago, so it might be difficult for others to have gotten to know Hicks to this juncture. And what gifts do you get for people you only moderately know?
Gift cards! (Or money, whatever.) *Does not endorse re-gifting.
Or maybe a new contract given his performance? No? Yeah, you’re right. That’s probably too much right now.
But let’s just say I wouldn’t bet on Hicks really being a coffee guy.
Vic Fangio: A fine bottle of scotch
No one can put any true validation to a rumor a few weeks ago that Fangio was on his way out of Chicago.
But, if there is underlying tension between the defensive coordinator and his head coach in Fox, the gift of fine liquor to help the two work things out has never been a bad idea. Fangio seems like the kind of guy with an acute, expensive taste too, so Fox should appreciate his due diligence in a sit-down to catch up on the good old days.
It’s the finer things in life.
Dowell Loggains: Texas Instruments graphing calculator
Loggains is an inexperienced offensive coordinator still obtaining a feel for the game. It’s a job that requires meticulous attention to detail and has you constantly checking your work.
The best secondary school tool to check your work, is of course, a calculator. Back then, Loggains used one for “fun” calculus and algebra classes. *Counting on one hand
Now, with an NFL offense he’s at the helm of that’s seemingly missing an extra scoring punch each week (Chicago is just 29th in the NFL in points per game), a complicated little mathematic computer would have him realize he’s under utilizing his best offensive player in Jordan Howard.
Howard needs just 180 yards to break the Bears’ single season rushing record, but unless Loggains has the means to see his work laid out properly, he’s not going to have Howard pass this test. This calculator would help with math no one likes.
At any rate, should these potential gifts not be enough, New Year’s Resolutions are on the way! New year, new Bears!
For now, it’s the season of giving and family, and Santa’s poised to deck the (Halas) hall with a bough(s) of holly. Whether they’ve earned such generosity or not from St. Nick, it doesn’t matter. Peppermint candy, egg nog, and watching the quintessential Christmas movie, ‘Die Hard’, all awaits.
“Twas’ the night before Christmas, when all through Halas Hall ...”
Robert Zeglinski is the Bears beat writer for the Rock River Times and is a staff writer for Windy City Gridiron and Second City Hockey. You can follow him on Twitter @RobertZeglinski.