If you haven't heard, SBNation's very own Ryan Van Bibber picked the Bears to finish -- that's right -- dead last. In sports, that's a two-word death sentence best lamented in the shovel-on-the-sidewalk voice of Lou Brown.
Van Bibber also picked the Arizona Cardinals to finish atop the league, as did Sports Illustrated. I know one thing about NFL preseason predictions and it is this: f*** um.
Seriously, they don't work, at least not in the extreme. If Team X is predicted to win the Super Bowl, I am 99% sure Team X won't get out of the Divisional Round. I can provide only one surefire prediction: the Cardinals won't win the Super Bowl, and the Bears won't be the NFL's worst team.
In fact, it was 11 years ago this week that Sports Illustrated boldly, derisively, and fool-heartedly picked the Bears to finish 32nd out of 32 teams. Paul "Dr. Z." Zimmerman was the man with the cracked crystal ball, slating the Bears to post a 3-13 record and finish, yes, dead last.
My West Coast correspondent, coach TJ, a Bears fan, e-mailed me, "Did you pick that 3-13 yourself or did your editors make you do it?"Yeah, they made me, TJ. I could take the lighted cigarettes, but when they shaved my wife's head, that was too much. He feels that a defense as good as theirs will spring many upsets, create much havoc.I feel that, well, could someone please look up the following for me and e-mail your answer to Andrew: what's the record for starting QBs who have gone down, one after another, the following year, either by injury or waiver wire?I count four, and this will make a hell of a trivia question some day. Grossman, Krenzel, Quinn, Hutchinson. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Yet here's what he missed:
The man at quarterback for 10 of the Bears 11 wins was not among the so-called Four Horsemen.
He was 4th-round rookie Kyle Orton.
No one would have thunk it but the Gods. And yes, the Gods might be crazy, but there's nothing crazy about 11-5 with an ass-shredding defense and a throat-stuffing run game and a quarterback just steady enough to not crash the boat.
Anything can happen in the NFL.
Mr. Van Bibber, with all respect and professional courtesy, we at Windy City Gridiron have two words for you.