Every year we are treated to some interesting names in the NFL. From the odd (Chad
Johnson Ochocinco), to the appropriate (Ray Guy), to the broadcaster nightmares (Chris Fuamatu-Ma'afala). After my previous fanpost, If I Were Pace..., where I detailed what our GM should do this off-season, I felt it appropriate to give you this.
If I were an expansion team and could only start all-rookies with cool names....
Here is your offense:
At QB, we get the illustrious Trenton Norvell Esquire. Okay, so the Esquire part is my doing, but it sure is fitting. It takes an intelligent individual to run complex NFL offenses. I'm not sure what his wonderlic score is, but his name sure sounds smart.
At RB, Barry J. Sanders. Let's hope the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If it does, at least we can sell jerseys based on name recognition!
FB: Darrin Laufasa. I just want to hear Jon Gruden reminisce about the Lion King and say "Laufasa, ooooh, say it again!" on national TV.
Our young core of WR's are the perfect trio of fear inducing, awesome-future-sports-trivia sounding prospects. Speedy Noil, Bug Howard, and Lynx Hawthorne.
At TE, Jeremy Sprinkle and Jake Butt. When we go with 2 TE sets, we have Sprinkle Butt.
At Tackle we have the European mafia: Victor Salako and Dimitric Camiel.
At Guard: Forrest Lamp and Jessamen Dunker.
And rounding out the offense at Center: Tobijah Hughley.
On to the defensive side of the ball.
Our DL will strike fear into the hearts of every commentator in the NFL today. Just picture Chris Collinsworth having to pronounce this front four: Tanoh Kpassagnon, Stevie Tuikolovatu, and Tueni Lupeamanu. Even better is when we bring in Noble Nwachukwu for rotation/goal-line duty.
At OLB, we get Psalm Wooching and Ironhead Gallon. I don't care what anyone says. Ironhead Gallon is the greatest name I've ever heard for a LB.
At ILB, we have a fear inducing duo of Gage Steele and Charmeachealle Moore. Moore Steele sounds like a bad 80's action flick.
Our shutdown CB's are: "The Island of" Fabian Moreau and Breon "Closed" Borders. When moving to nickel, we bring in NaNa Kyeremeh "a River."
At SS: Weston Steelhammer. Need I say more.
And rounding out the D in fitting fashion, at FS: Fish Smithson. He will reel in anything thrown his way. And in dime situations we bring in Money Hunter. He WILL earn his contract incentives.
Finally we look to special teams where we find hyphenated and double names rule the day. Since they are special teams, we need people with special names.
LS: Bradley Northnagel
K: Cameron Van Winkle. The next Al Del Greco?
P: Christian Faber-Kinney
KR: Damoreea Stringfellow (WR)
It's a Super Bowl winning team if I've ever heard one.