Since 1967, we as NFL fans have been privy to the most exciting 60 minutes in sports each year. The Super Bowl is, without a doubt, the game above all games. It brings with it a myriad of emotions at each step; from the pre-game arguments with your stupid (packer fan) brother-in-law, to the 4th quarter excitement. It may be the only time of year in which the commercials are as highly anticipated as the show itself. It may also be the only time of year in which you convince yourself that a third helping of bar-b-queued ribs is not only a good idea, but your manifest destiny and your God given right.
With it however, comes the eventual realization that the offseason has begun. The grueling 200+ days between the hoisting of the
Lombardi championship trophy and the first snap of the following season tends to drag on longer than Kim Kardashian’s 10 minutes of fame.
In the late 80’s and early 90’s, we were treated to the Pro-Bowl in that window of NFL-less time. And it was good. There were skills competitions where, in 1994, I was witness to a 76 yard bomb by Randall Cunningham in the longest throw competition. There was a game that was competitive, where all players that weren’t injured were able to attend, because it happened after the Super Bowl. As an additional bonus, there were beautiful girls in grass skirts as it was played in Hawaii, but I digress. Of course, we also get the NFL draft in April, which brings about every opportunity to laud your team for taking Stan Thomas and passing on that "sure bust Roman Phifer."
But what does a man do during THIS lull? The draft-to-preseason lull. We’ve seen pre-draft mocks, post-draft mocks, class of 2018 mocks, and mocks that are mocked. We’ve been exposed to an unprecedented level of "sources" which tell Adam Schefter someone is definitely not in the team plans this year. And we’ve read every link in every Den (thank you Ken) to try and ease the pain of not actually knowing what we will see on the field this year.
So I come to you with a solution. As an online, completely anonymous, hidden behind a firewall friend to all of you; I
am really bored at work today feel a strong sense of responsibility to offer my assistance in helping you overcome BOBS (bloggers offseason blues syndrome). So think of me as your shepherd; your transcendental mediator; your Sherpa guide if you will, as I offer up a few things you can do to pass the time until kick-off. Not only will these activities make this brutal passage across the football fan's version of the river Styx seem shorter than Don Majkowski’s career, it may actually expand your football knowledge!
1) Read Sal Paolantonio's book "How Football Explains America." According to several unnamed sources, the prologue to the actual book is considered "a masterpiece of bombastic ignorance in which Paolantonio inadvertently reveals that he has apparently never actually watched any other sport. Or indeed read about them." In all actuality, it is in the conversation as one of the worst books ever written about football. But hey, if you want a good chuckle, how can you pass up the opportunity to read about such narratives as, "He compares American football to the hoplite tactics of the ancient Greeks, and soccer to the Persian cavalry armies the Greeks defeated." Why do this? To give you the hope that you actually know what you are talking about sometimes. I actually felt John Madden nodding in approval of my NFL opinions as I read the book.
2) Collate those old football cards and reminisce about all of the 1992 rookie cards you kept because they were going to be "worth a fortune." I for one had a stack of nearly 30 Desmond Howard rookie cards I just trashed. I remember thinking, "this guy is unstoppable." Why do this? Because it helped me relax my expectations of the rebuild. It put into perspective the lack of actual football knowledge I had, even after playing at a decently high level. And while Pace may have whiffed on this year’s picks, he may have also hit. But hey, at least it can’t be as bad as 1992…. right?
3) Set up a new draft board with 3-7 friends and re-draft the class. No, not in the traditional way, but in a much more novel way. Step 1: Put up a board showing the first round of the 2017 draft. Step 2: Draw the draft order so everyone knows where they are picking. Step 3: Re-draft based on fun criteria like, "first round bust team" Each of you picks a team of first rounders and you see who picks the best team of busts at seasons end. Other great categories to use, "all PED suspension team," "pro-bowl injured team," and my personal favorite "MVP fines team;" to see how many fines your rookies rack up over the course of the season. Why do this? It really makes you appreciate your life. You also gain a fonder appreciation for the maturity and common sense of your fellow WCG posters.
4) Send a photo-copied picture of your butt to:
Green Bay Packers, Inc.
P.O. Box 10628
Green Bay, WI 54307-0628
Why do this? Because f*@k the packers!