The Year of Glennon is nigh upon us, and I am pumped. As a Bears fan who has trudged through several seasons of guaranteed mediocrity at the quarterback position, I can’t help being excited about a quarterback with a mediocre resume and the potential to develop into something greater. I truly believe Mike Glennon has a legitimate chance to be the fourth best quarterback in the NFC North. This would rank him above injured Teddy Bridgewater, Packer’s backup Brett Hundley, and a still-developing Mitch Trubisky.
Why am I so high on Glennon? I don’t know if it’s his consistency and respectable TD:INT ratio, his above average deep ball accuracy, or his ability to stay on message in an interview. All I know is that as soon as I finished playing the Glennon Year’s Eve drinking game, I immediately proceeded to drink the Glennon-Ade, and am now feeling my senses heighten as the Glennon hype pulses through my veins. My senses are so heightened in fact that I am realizing for the first time what a poor turn of phrase that is: the blood one feels pulsing is not in their veins but in their arteries. Clearly, this is a state of being I want to share with my fellow Bears brethren. I will try to recreate for you the series of events that brought me to this pinnacle of Glennlightenment.
To start, pull out your favorite long neck beer and break open the liquor cabinet. Whether your scotch of choice is Levit or Fiddich, it’s time to get your Glen on.
For an opener, start with the Buccaneers 2016 Preseason Week One. Watch every one of Glennon’s incomplete passes, and take a drink for every throw that should be intercepted (and a shot for the one that was). If you don’t have access to pre-season game tape, drink along by watching this, taking a shot, and following it with one to three drinks depending on how critical you feel. This may seem like a downer, but let’s be honest with ourselves: if we’re going to end the night excited about Glennon, we’re going to need to start with our expectations low.
We now switch venues to a rain-soaked summer Thursday when the Buccaneers host Washington in Preseason Week Four. Watch all of Glennon’s pass attempts, and take a drink for every dropped ball. Don’t forget to drink for the time Glennon drops the ball backwards mid-throw and then recovers the fumble himself. Try and tell me you’re not impressed by that level of poise and ability to immediately bounce back from a goofy mistake. Literally try it. You’ll find the comments section below. If you don’t have access to the preseason tape, just watch this and drink three times.
Next let’s look back to a sunny Sunday afternoon in Preseason Week Two, where Glennon takes deadly aim on his hapless backup receivers. For this game, watch all of his passes and take a drink every time a ball bounces off a receiver’s hands, chest, or face. Don’t forget to count the time when Austin Seferian-Jenkins deflects a pass heading straight for an open Bucs receiver in the end zone behind him. If you don’t have the necessary game tape, just watch this ball bouncing off Antonio Brown’s chest six times and drink for every glorious time he drops it.
Finally, we return to Preseason Game One to watch every completion this lanky football Adonis throws to his unworthy receiving regimen of rag-tag roster-bubblers. We sip with casual sophistication as well soak in the show. We only drink if he does something to make us say “this guy can make all the throws”—if he somehow goes above and beyond all reasonable expectations and completes the holy grail of difficult NFL throws to connect on a perfectly timed deep out. And even if that happens, we only drink a second time if he hits his receiver in stride allowing him to continue after the catch for a 30 yard total gain. And we certainly don’t drink a third time unless the broadcast version of the game replays the pass so that we see it again. If you don’t have access to the game, play along by reading this article from Bucs Nation that compared Glennon to reigning MVP Matt Ryan, drinking three times, and ignoring the implication that I must not have been able to find a free video of Glennon throwing a deep out.
To completely indulge in our Glennon Years Eve festivities, it’s time to switch from booze to pure Glennon-Ade. Put on the end of the Bucs week 9 loss to the Falcons and watch Glennon’s only 2016 regular-season film to see a trash-time, 10 for 11, 75 yard, triumphant touchdown drive.
Now tell the truth: do you feel the Glennon hype pulsing in your arteries?