2018 NFL Name Draft

Seemingly every year after a grueling season of talking about football we like to peruse the occasional list to remind us of things yet to come, such as top free agent lists to top draft prospect lists; of things already past, such as top nfl players lists; and of things yet unfinished, such as offseason moves lists, and my wife’s "honey do" lists. These lists tend to provide blogging fodder for the lull in our lives known as the NFL offseason.

This list however, is different. As the NFL draft approaches, and the vitriol reaches maximum capacity on the daily Den’s, I enjoy providing my fellow WCGers with a list of levity. A list that reaches into the lower regions of the humor mill to bring you – my friends – a small dose of medicine that incites a small chuckle and eases the tension like Carl Weathers on a golf course. Besides, if we don’t all get along soon, Ken may go full version Thor with the banhammer. (I would have used Peter Gabriel as my point of reference here, but it would have most likely been lost on the under 30 crowd)

So without further ado, I give you my 2nd annual All-Rookie, All-Star Team. (you can find last year’s list here)

If I were an expansion team and could only start a team of rookies with cool names....

Introducing your offense:

QB – Jeremiah Briscoe (Sam Houston State) Every good expansion team needs a gunslinger under center, and Briscoe checks all the important boxes. Old testament Biblical first name to elicit fear? Check. Wild-west, fast-draw sounding last name? Check. Received his education from a University aptly named for a known wild-west mythological figurehead? Check.

RB – Toting the rock for this franchise is Dee Saint Juste (Hawaii). When you are sitting on 4th and goal from the 2, do you trust the football to Jeff Wilson from North Texas? Or do you pray for a Saint to bring you to the promised land. In this case, it’s Saint Juste all the way!

FB – Every good lead blocker needs to bring the pain, or in this case, Christian Payne (Georgia).

WR – Equanimeous St. Brown (Notre Dame), Darren-Marcus Carrington II (Utah), and Marquez Valdes-Scantling (South Florida). For years the Beloved have been flat broke in terms of WR production. We need an injection of wealth (and talent) at the position. And these names have that certain…. "je ne sais quoi" if you will. These young pass catchers have names that are begging to be put on the side of a luxury yacht.

TE – Troy "Nine Fingers" Fumagalli (Wisconsin). This mafia-esque, Italian name is exactly the kind of toughness and respect we need to bring on the end of the line. Really though, he has 9 fingers.

OT – Cole Madison (Washington State) & Desmond Harrison (West Georgia). Are there more unusual names? To be sure. But Madison and Harrison were two founding fathers of the good ole U.S. of A. And what better anchor to have on your line than 2 founding fathers that anchored your freedom! #Murica! #bacon!

OG – Josh Outlaw (Louisiana Tech) & Alex Officer (Pittsburgh). Easy call here. Having an Outlaw & an Officer on your line will keep people running.

C – And to bring all sides together, you need a centrist center. Enter Brian Allen (Michigan State). The most boring name in all position groups.

Now let’s introduce the defense:

DE – Olasunkanmi Adeniyi (Toledo) & Ade Aruna (Tulane). A good DE should give you a balance of QB pressure and run lane discipline. When you need balance, you turn to these names. 14 vowels and 12 consonants between them.

DT – R.J. McIntosh (Miami), B.J. Hill (NC State), and P.J. Hall (Sam Houston State) form a perfect 3-man rotation in the middle. You shouldn’t find any "gaps" with these guys….

OLB – Two names are better than one as we bring on Leighton Vander Esch (Boise State) and Ja’Von Rolland-Jones (Arkansas State).

ILB – Joel Iyiegbuniwe (Western Kentucky) and Drew Motuapuaka (Virginia Tech) would definitely clog up the middle of the field, and the announcer’s mouths. You know Chris Collinsworth would forever refer to them as Joel & Drew.

CB – Kevin Toliver II (LSU), Kameron Kelly II (San Diego State), Ranthony Texada II (TCU) and Kevin Richardson II (Arkansas). It’s plain to see there is no clear cut #1 among this group. Also, I want to meet Ranthony Texada and shake his hand for giving us Ranthony Texada II.

FS – Kamari Cotton-Moya (Iowa State) is a bold move. Let’s see if it pays off.

SS – And finally, to round out the defensive side of the ball, Micah Hannemann (BYU). He can fix anything, he’s Hannemanny.

And who can forget special teams aces:

Punter – Joe Zema (Incarnate Word). Just to see him introduce himself on MNF would be great.

And Kicker – Eric POWell (Washington State). Every FG is highlighted on ESPN by the old POW symbol from Adam West’s Batman series.

If ever you needed a team to take you all the way, these hall of fame names will bring you all the way to Canton.

This Fanpost was written by a Windy City Gridiron member and does not necessarily reflect the ideas or opinions of its staff or community.