WCG Writer Scouting Report Big Board

By now you’ve all seen Jacob’s NFL Draft Top 200, Josh’s Confidence Board, and had the chance to peruse our plethora of Chicago Bears pre-draft scouting reports, mock drafts, and podcasts, but this special top prospect ranking may be the most important of all.

We used SB Nation’s 100 percent accurate NFL Draft scouting report generator to fabricate some 100% accurate scouting reports on our staff, then I went through and ranked them according to how they should be drafted by the Bears.

Agree or disagree with the rankings in the comment section, and be sure to share your own scouting report too by plugging your name in the generator.

WCG WRITER BIG BOARD

1) Sam Householder has the god-given talent to take a hit from a truck, but scouts say brunch Instagrams could be an issue

• I’m a huge fan of brunch, so his obsession with it is a huge plus in my book.

2) Ken Mitchell has the scrappy grit to mow the whole field, but scouts say lack of DVR space could be an issue

• As soon as I saw the word “grit” used to describe Ken that shot him up the big board.

3) Superfans has the functional strength to tie shoes without help, but scouts say thousands of unread messages could be an issue

• Scouts don’t realize that the Superfans are anti-email and prefer to use the post office for all mail correspondence. You kids do know what a stamp is, don’t you?

4) Robert Zeglinski has the SEC pedigree to swallow a football whole, but scouts say Twitter beef with Mountain from Game of Thrones could be an issue

• If Robert is bad-ass enough to beef with this guy, then that makes him a draft priority.

Photo by Brian Ach/Getty Images for REIGN Total Body Fuel

5) Jeff Berckes has the collegiate experience to be the next Nick Foles, but scouts say subpar bread recipe could be an issue

• I’d like to have Jeff’s back-up quarterbacking skills higher, but not being able to properly manipulate yeast could be a problem.

6) Kev H has the burst to find the end zone, but scouts say sweaty knees could be an issue

• The Bears need playmakers, and I think they can get these in Bears’ Navy or Orange to keep his sweaty knee glands under control.

7) Jack M Silverstein has the length to bring the boom, but scouts say addiction to Postmates could be an issue

• As long as Jack’s Postmates addiction is used for good, the Bears could find use for length like that. (For the record, I had to Google Postmates)

8) Steven Schweickert has the length to outmuscle opponents, but scouts say toilet paper folding could be an issue

• Doubling down on length in the secondary is needed, and we’ll get him a few classes here to help him out.

9) Robert Schmitz has the lively hands to melt a popsicle, but scouts say love of taxidermy could be an issue

• Melted popsicle can create a natural stickum that will lead to more interceptions, so the Bears should give him a pass on the taxidermy thing.

10) Jacob Infante has the weight room dedication to bend the rulebook, but scouts say credit score could be an issue

• Bending the rulebook too far could be an issue, but weight room dedication outweighs a poor credit score.

11) Aaron Leming has the pain tolerance to kick like a mule with typhoid, but scouts say a strong concern with the finality of death could be an issue

• Will such a high pain tolerance lead to Aaron believing he’s invulnerable and will that lead to his death concerns waning? That’s the hope...

12) Patti Curl has the self-awareness to break a lineman in half, but scouts say insomniac tendencies could be an issue

• What good is being able to snap Ndamukong Suh like a twig if she falls asleep every other play?

13) Josh Sunderbruch has the high character to topple the Roman empire, but scouts say refusal to stop quoting POPSTAR could be an issue

• As long as Josh’s high character never stops stopping, I think he’ll be fine.

14) WhiskeyRanger has off-snap quickness to dodge a wrench, but scouts say manual retweeting could be an issue

• I think WhiskeyRanger’s tweeting issue is under control.

15) Andrew Link has the cheerful disposition to do the job, but scouts say obsessive skincare routine could be an issue

• A happy demeanor and a pretty face lands Link above the character concern prospects.

16) EJ Snyder has the freak athleticism to put the team on their back, but scouts say Google search history could be an issue

• He Googled what?

17) Erik Christopher Duerrwaechter has the bulging quads to solve a jigsaw puzzle, but scouts say old tweets could be an issue

• When will these prospects learn to delete all social media?

18) Lester A. Wiltfong Jr. has the natural ability to peel an onion, but scouts say history of ham theft could be an issue

• Focusing on the playbook and not on a ham and onion sandwich is what the Bears want from their rookies.