Now that the Beloved has finally settled in on the 53 men that will march this franchise back to the promised land, we wanted to take a position by position look at just how incredibility gifted this roster is top to bottom. But before we get started, we wanted to send a shout-out (People still give shout-outs, don’t they?) to the best damn general manager in the NFL, the man that has been rocking Halas Hall since January of 2015, the man with bigger biceps than a Packer offensive lineman, the reigning and defending Executive of the Year, Ryan Pace.
Our collection of Superfans, including yours truly Bill Swerski, my brother Bob, and our good friends Pat Arnold, Carl Wollorski, and Todd O’Connor, have come together once again to share our wealth of Chicago Bears’ knowledge, and by doing so we’ll make you all smarter in the process.
For this exercise, we plan to take each position group on our team and give them a grade. Now we understand that “grades” are often subjective, but let us assure you all that these grades are 100% certified fresh. We use an eighty-five point scale to determine, without a shadow of a doubt, how each group is going to perform and we grade them accordingly.
We know that some of you guys look at grades and say, ‘Pff, grades, we don’t care about no stinking grades!’ But with our grades, you can take them to the bank.
So, without any further ado, here are our grades for each position on the Bears’ 2019 roster.
Imagine having a baby and his first year on this planet was spent in a box. Just a plain, boring, unimaginative cardboard box. Then for his second year, he taken out of that box and dropped off at The House Of Blues where he’s handed a guitar and told to shred like a rock star. And shred like a rock star he does, but it’s still evident his best shredding is yet to come. Well, that’s Mitchell David Trubisky now that he’s in a fully competent and modern offense.
Quarterback - Mitchell Trubisky and Chase Daniel: A+
Look, there will be no Jordan Howard blasphemy from us my friends. Howard gave all he had when running between the lines during his time in the Navy and Orange, but at the end of the day the Bears decided to go in a different direction at running back. We all love a downhill power back, but that’s not what is best for this offense.
Running back - Tarik Cohen, David Montgomery, Mike Davis, Kerrith Whyte Jr.: A+
Allen Robinson II wasn’t Allen Robinson II during the entire 2018 season. The Allen Robinson II we’re going to see in 2019 is the real Allen Robinson II. He’s dynamic, he’s explosive, he’s a play maker, and he’s about to set Todd’s fantasy football team on fire. Anthony Miller basically led the team in TD receptions (7) last year with one arm, so now that he can use them both he may double that number. Javon Wims is a beast that could start for most teams in the league, but here he’s a super-sub.
Wide receiver: Allen Robinson II, Taylor Gabriel, Anthony Miller, Javon Wims, Riley Ridley, Cordarrelle Patterson: A++
Can we be honest, we’re a little worried about Trey Burton’s groin. Pulling a groin is no laughing matter, and as a guy that has pulled his groin a time or two, I know how difficult it can be to simply run down a buffet line, let alone run down the seam between defenders. We’re all crossing our fingers that Burton’s nether region is going to fine, because Adam Shaheen’s health has us worried a touch as well. But for the love of Halas, can we please stop with the Baby Gronk stuff? We prefer to call the big fella, Baby Ditka.
Tight ends: Trey Burton, Adam Shaheen, Ben Braunecker, Bradley Sowell: A
Offensive line: Charles Leno Jr., Cody Whitehair, James Daniels, Kyle Long, Bobby Massie, Ted Larsen, Cornelius Lucas, Rashaad Coward: A+++++ (That’s one plus for each member of the best starting unit in the NFL!)
Can it get any worse that he who shall not be named?
That Me Guy is unemployed and Eddy Money is already practicing for the swirling winds of Chicago by kicking inside Soldier Field. And by the way, Todd has his #15 jersey on order from the WCG Fan Shop, and Carl’s mom has a fresh batch of pierogies on the way to Halas Hall for Mr. Pineiro.
Specialists: Patrick Scales, Patrick O’Donnell, Eddy Pineiro: A
We can’t wait for Akiem Hicks, Eddie Goldman, and Bilal Nichols to wreck offensive lines this year, so in the meantime we ran through the other starting defensive lines in the NFL to see if any were better than our guys.
Spoiler Alert... None were!
Defensive line: Akiem Hicks, Eddie Goldman, Bilal Nichols, Roy Robertson-Harris, Nick Williams, Abdullah Anderson: A+++++ (We’re afraid that if we didn’t give equal pluses to the d-line that Akiem Hicks would hunt us down and destroy us.)
Remember when Packer fans thought they were the ones that would trade for a perennial All-Pro, a generational talent, a soon to be Hall Of Famer, and an all around incredible human being like Khalil Mack?
Honestly, this position group could be Mack, Carl, Pat and Todd, and they’d still get an A+ from us, but we think Leonard Floyd is about to get jiggy with it (You kids still say jiggy with it, don’t you?) in 2019.
Outside linebacker: Khalil Mack, Leonard Floyd, Aaron Lynch, Isaiah Irving: A∞
Some of you guys are up in arms because the Beloved kept six inside backers, but when your franchise is known for having the greatest collection of inside linebackers to ever lace ‘em up, you should relax and trust the process.
Inside linebacker: Roquan Smith, Danny Trevathan, Nick Kwiatkoski, Joel Iyiegbuniwe, Josh Woods, Kevin Pierre-Louis: A++
I had an uncle named Buster Swerski and he was the meanest son of a gun that ever lived. When any of us cousins were acting up, an adult would calmly ask, “Do you want us to call Buster to come over here and bust your ass?” That was all it took for us to all fall into place. I don’t know much about the Bears new nickelback, but I’ll never bet against a man named Buster.
Cornerback: Kyle Fuller, Prince Amukamara, Buster Skrine, Duke Shelley (r), Kevin Toliver II: A++
Carl’s grandmother is a very prominent fortune teller in the Logan Square community and she tells me, when it’s all said and done, that Eddie Jackson is going to go down in history as the greatest safety in the history of this proud franchise.
Safety: Eddie Jackson, Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, Deon Bush, Sherrick McManis, DeAndre Houston-Carson: A+++
To a man, we were all shocked that none of the Bears’ cut got signed away by the other 312 teams in the NFL. That tells us two things, Ryan Pace is playing chess while those other dopes are playing checkers, and two, the future is very bright for these ten men.
Practice squad: OL Alex Bars, OL Sam Mustipher, DB Stephen Denmark, DB Michael Joseph, RB Ryan Nall, QB Tyler Bray, TE Jesper Horsted, WR Thomas Ives, OLB James Vaughters, OLB Jonathan Harris: A+
How did the Superfans do in grading the Bears’ position groups for 2019?
This poll is closed
While you guys are here, do check out this fantastic video, featuring two incredibility handsome men and an ex-athlete as they promote the Bears vs. Packers game that will kick off on Thursday night.
And then there’s this outstanding clip that ends with one of our favorite two word phrases.