Bears vs Texans: Keys for a Chicago win!

The 5-7 Chicago Bears take on the 4-8 Houston Texans on Sunday, and we all know what the main talking points will be from the CBS crew when there’s a lull in the action.

1. Mitchell Trubisky vs Deshaun Watson
2. And just because, they’ll talk about Patrick Mahomes too

We might also get some talk about prospective 2021 head coaches and general managers considering the Texans are in the market for both and the Bears likely doing the same.

Let’s all hope it’s a fun and exciting game so the talk is about the in-game action and not on the surrounding narratives.

Believe it or not, the Bears are still alive for a wildcard spot, so they might come out and surprise all of us and win the game.

If they are to pull off the upset, here’s how we see it happening with our keys to the game.

Will Robinson II:

Offense: Remember the 1st half of the Lions game? Do that. But for the entire game.

Defense: I know it’s something of a pipe dream at this point, but some consistent pressure would be nice. Don’t give Watson lanes to throw in. If you can’t get to him, at least get your hands up, and for the love of god, maintain the edge. He’s going to take off a good 7 times, so don’t let him gash you. In the secondary, keep your coverage tight. Watson will misplace balls in between his highlight plays. Not severely, but enough that you can make a play on them if you’re relatively close.

Special Teams: Score please. Anything to help this offense out would be appreciated.

Josh Sunderbruch:

Offense: Find a blue police box, use it to travel back in time, and let someone jump in line to get Trubisky. Then draft Watson instead (not Mahomes, I’m not being greedy). No? Okay. Keep the ball out of Trubisky’s hands as much as possible, up to and including direct snaps to Patterson and Montgomery. They don’t seem quite as allergic to positive yardage and holding on to the brown lozenge thing.

Defense: Ignore the woeful inadequacies of the offense and the coach and play with a smidgeon of pride. Stop contemplating the existential crisis brought on by the fact that playing for the Pace Bears is what your life has come to and instead play to develop tape that will get you contracts and opportunities on future football teams.

Special Teams: Just don’t screw up.

Robert Zeglinski:

Hope, in your heart of hearts and deep down in the darkest recesses of your soul, that Deshaun Watson is not that spiteful of a person.

Erik Christopher Duerrwaechter:

Offense: do I really need to answer this....? Ram. That. Ball. Down. Houston’s. Throats.

Defense: show up. Finish the plays.

Special Teams: same.

Ken Mitchell:

Offense: Run the ball like you did in the first half against Detroit. Keep running the ball in the second half instead of ignoring the run like you did against Detroit.

Defense: Play four quarters this time. Also, somebody send out a search party for Robert Quinn, I’m beginning to worry that he may be lost on the Appalachian Trail or something.

Special Teams: Dear Rashard Coward, you know how you let a guy just run right past/over you to get an extra point blocked last weekend. That’s what’s known as “a bad thing.” Don’t do that any more, please. Thank you.

Sam Householder:

The Texans are literally the only franchise that the Chicago Bears have never beaten. They have an all-time QB that the Bears declined to draft or even do homework on.

Do the math on that...

Offense: Just run it every possession for every play. Do an Army or Navy game plan. Don’t pass it. At all. Play keep away.

Defense: Be aggressive. I shouldn’t have to say this about a unit with Hicks, Mack and Jackson but somehow this unit has looked like teddy bears and not the Chicago Bears.

Jack Salo:

Offense: I wish I could say this Texans defense is soft, but every defense looks amazing when they play this sorry bunch of so-called “Bears” on offense. I think it’s time to start getting very creative. Run multiple “hook and ladder” plays throughout the game. Put Mack in at fullback. Go no-huddle most of the game. Stop trying so hard to not lose and go have some fun out there. It’s football, after all, and the season is lost.

Defense: Watson is very good at evading pass rushers, so don’t over-blitz and leave yourself vulnerable in the secondary. Even with a healthy David Johnson, they still aren’t a powerful force in the run game, so plenty of zone and bend-but-not-break defense like we saw earlier in the season should be enough to keep it a respectable deficit.

Patti Curl:

When I was young, we used to play Cowboy Dan, Karate Jane, and Grizzly as a variant of rock-paper-scissors. Obviously Karate Jane would kick the gun out of Dan’s hand, Cowboy Dan would shoot Grizzly, and Grizzly would eat Jane, and obviously I would usually lose after people realized my strategy was to be Grizzly every time. Clearly the Bears are Grizzly and the Texans are Cowboy Dan, and unmistakably the Bears will have to recruit the help of Karate Jane if they want to win. Indubitably the Karate Jane of the NFL is Cowboys reporter Jane Slater, who doubtlessly will join the Bears’ cause out of annoyance at the audacity of the Houston franchise to choose a name suggesting they represent all Texans when there’s another team in the state. With Jane on board, Chicago should have a polar bear’s chance at the Alamo of leaving the Texans with something to remember.

Lester A. Wiltfong Jr.:

Houston’s running game is awful, the interior of their o-line is bad, and they’re missing some wide outs too, so in order to beat the Texans the Bears simply need to slow down Watson. Which is much easier said that done. He’s quite capable of winning this game all by himself. He threw an interception last week and that was his first pick since October 11. He’s taken his game to a new level this year and the Bears need to spy him, have their pass rushers rush to contain him, and play zone so he can’t scramble and catch Chicago’s secondary with their backs to the line of scrimmage.

On offense, the Bears need to identify where J.J. Watt is on every snap, because he’s quite capable of dominating this game as well.

What are your keys for a Bears win?