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Bears smother cowering Texans in decisive end to uncharacteristic 6-game losing streak

The Bears offense dropped a 30 burger in the first half and looked like a legitimate contender in what will be remembered as the premiere too-little-too-late game of the season.

Houston Texans v Chicago Bears
That’s my biscuit. That.is.my.Biscuit.

Just when I started to trick myself into accepting this as a lost season, the Bears come out and comprehensively dominate a game in such a joyous fashion that now I will never accept this season is lost even when they are mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. Before this game, the Bears were careening towards full rebuild status this off-season. It’s likely they still are, and if this game proves to be nothing more than a Nagy/Trubisky/Pace swan song, I’m glad they had it. But if the Bears play the rest of the season like this, things will be a lot more confusing, and in my opinion, a lot more fun. Bear down!

A box score that’s actually fun to read!

Eddie Jackson “who does not have a pick this season”

Why are the announcers trolling us by reminding us about his two pick sixes with nitpick call backs?

David Montgomery is starting to hit his stride

To be fair, his 80 yard touchdown had more to do with Houston leaving a hole the size of Texas for him to run through, but he did have to ragdoll Justin Reid to really break away. The bell-bear back has been showing quite a bit of tackle-breaking shimmy-strength and his hefty haunches seem to be settling in nicely to the winter weather.

It’s holiday season, and Mitch Trubisky has some pocket presents for the Texans D line

Our fearless Biscuit has legs for days and he can really step into a sack with the best of them.

In case you forgot Khalil Mack was a game-wrecking beast

He ended the first drive with pressure that forced a throw to Eddie Jackson’s feet and stopped the second drive before it could start with a strip sack and recovery. He proceeded to menace Watson all day with pressures, safeties, and well-timed paw-swats.

After two weeks of causing neutral zone infractions, I think it’s safe to say...

Mitchell Trubisky is the best hard count artist in the NFC north.

The offense has definitely changed since the bye

And certainly for the better. The Nick Foles starter experiment was also the Matt Nagy trying to run his Chiefs-derived system with the Bears personnel experiment. It didn’t work well. Whoever the quarterback is going forward, I hope the Bears have realized its time to move on from that particular experiment. Hopefully not only because they’ve been playing against awful defenses, the product the Bears offense is putting on the field is much more interesting and watchable. They actually had FOUR first half touchdowns, and they didn’t even score on the fumble recovery, so those were full drives!

As I write this, Mitch Trubisky is 18 of 21 for 3 touchdowns and zero interceptions

Deshaun Watson is 11 of 15 for 123 yards, 1 touchdown and an interceptable pass to Eddie Jackson. I guess that’s the difference between a second overall pick and a QB who falls out of the top ten. #DATSMyBISCUiT.

Sorry pragmatic fun-hating Bears fans

No tank for you. These Bears are too good, too ferocious, and too proud to slink away with their heads down for the rest of the season. They’re destined for just missing the playoff and earning the lowest draft pick possible of non-contenders, putting them in perfect position to mortgage their future trading up for whomever proves to be the worst of the four promising quarterbacks in this April’s draft. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Bear down forever, boo boos.

Bilal Nichols working his way up my favorite Bear rankings

The big Bear has been making big plays on the reg, this week with a huge sack that set up Khalil Mack for a safety on Deshaun Watson. He’s always had enviable ursine curves, and now he’s clearly taking advantage of Akiem Hicks’ tutelage and ability to distract lineman away from Bilal. Good bear.

Moon Bear has mooves

Darnell Mooney looks good with the ball in his hands. He has a talent for squirming along the sideline for extra yards, taking shallow passes and squeezing a first down and a touchdown out of moonlight.

Allen Robinson joins in on the RAC dance party

It’s refreshing to see A-Rob get a ball in space and a chance to show off his moves with the ball in his hand. The irrefutable superstar showed us a stellar shimmy to lose a Texans safety on the way to a 20 yard gain and a thousand+ yard season despite being “fiddled with in the end zone.”

Robert Quinn’s failed sack on Deshaun Watson is an appropriate metaphor for his season

He got to the quarterback he swung him around and tossed him, he figured that would be enough and it wasn’t. I don’t want to see Quinn is phoning it in, but it certainly feels like most of his snaps end up being not quite enough to succeed. Maybe his off-season injury has led to him being in worse shape than he’s used to and what he expects to work just isn’t cutting it.

Cole Kmet steadily settling in to his role as the Bears TE1

It’s been nothing spectacular, but it’s ahead of schedule for a young tight end, especially with such a limited off-season. If we can forgive him for being drafted instead of Antoine Winfield Jr, I think he’s going to be a quality Bear for years to come.

Are you allowed to do the eating gesture after a 5 yard run?

Asking for a buddy. Specifically, I’m asking for Texans backup RB Buddy Howell, who did just that before running for 1 yard on 2nd and 5. Not the most impressive series of events for Buddy.

Note to self: start running QBs vs Bears in DFS

Pagano is clearly okay with letting them have those yards.

Even the sun is rooting for the Bears today

The Bears’ 12th man was no where near Soldier Field, but shone down from space into the eyes of Texans receivers, getting a crucial end zone pass defense.

I hope Deshaun Watson’s funny bone is okay

He seemed to be very unhappy after that Roquan Smith takedown.

Speaking of Roquan Smith, If you forgot to vote him to the Pro Bowl

You’re either one of those fun-hating tank-lovers who don’t want the Bears to have to pay more for his 5th year option, or you’re not paying attention. You don’t even have to watch to see he’s balling. The box score tells you just fine. As a random example, today he had 12 tackles, 2 sacks, 2 TFLs, and 3 QB hits.

These AWS catch probability ads are deeply silly

What’s the point of saying your catch probability on a catch that already happened? They’re also all “low probability” catches that were caught, making it looks like your model grossly underestimates catch probability. If you want to show it off, show 10 throws you pre-emptively called 30% catch probability and show 7 of them going incomplete.


You can only poke the bear so many times before you unleash its primal rage. The Bears were done playing today. There’s plenty of talent on this team, and the Bears finally showed it against a wounded lesser opponent. Still in that hunt...