Dear Mr. Claus,
I know we haven’t been on speaking terms since we had that pizza misunderstanding at the Merchandise Mart back in ‘87, but I feel it’s time to mend fences.
Our beloved Chicago Bears, absent from a world championship for far too long, have fought their way back from a crippling six game losing streak and face a postseason precipice this week. With two straight wins, our boys in Navy and Orange have managed to get themselves back in the playoff mix, but we need some help.
What we’re asking — and by “we” I mean the passionate collective of Chicago Bears’ fandom everywhere — is for you to see to it that we can whip up on the Jaguars this Sunday and follow that up with a beat-down of the Packers next week. You see, the Bears need to win out just to remain in the playoff conversation, so that’s where we need to start.
But in addition, we also need for you to see to it that the Arizona Cardinals can lose this week to the San Francisco 49ers, which would then drop them out of the postseason tournament with us taking over the seventh and final seed in the NFC.
But since we’re cool again (You did get that Pequod’s gift card we left for you at the Mart earlier this week, right?) let’s not stop there, because there’s still a scenario where we can get all the way up to the 5th seed.
The math is complicated, and probably nothing I want to bore you with right now, but I know it’s possible because Pat saw it on the Twitter, and with your Christmas Magic I know you can just simply make it happen.
Once in the tourney our men will take it from there and parade through the NFC like Pat parades through the selection of meats at Fogo de Chao, until we finally make it back to the Super Bowl where we’ll dismantle the AFC’s sacrificial lamb with a devastation that hasn’t been seen since the T Formation thrilled the nation with Sid Luckman, George McAfee, and Bill Osmanski leading the way in the 1940 Championship game.
Thanks in advance for this Christmas Miracle, and until we meet again, Bear Down.