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During the months of off-season hibernation, Bears slowly form a hard, dense, dry plug of desiccated feces that occupies the distal 6 centimeters of their rectums and keeps them from pooping until they can coax it out. It’s safe to say, that scientific fact provides at least a partial explanation for the Bears inability to play “fast and loose” for 4 straight quarters in their first few games. Today, the Bears teased us for three and a half quarters making us believe they were gonna drop a deuce, then literally pulled a win out of their rear when the Falcons least expected it.
Here’s the box score for lols.
Carlos Santos doing his best to help us miss Eddie “Dinero”
I honestly don’t remember how well he played the previous two weeks, but seeing a Bears kicker miss a field goal just brings up too many bad feelings. I want Eddie back and I want him back faster than “Fast Eddie” can return an INT for a tuddy.
We probably shouldn’t have made Calvin Ridley angry by making Riley inactive
On the Falcons’ first play, Ridley burned Eddie Jackson to set up an easy touchdown. He continued to be a problem all day, when the Bears didn’t seem to have a great plan to shut down the Falcon’s one legitimate offensive weapon remaining.
Last year’s offense couldn’t recover from a missed field goal on the first drive and a holding penalty on the second
This season, they finished that second drive with a field goal. Clearly, just to give Santos a confidence boost.
Falcon’s defense is supremely beat up, but they still have Grady Jarrett.
That man is a good football player and it’s supes annoying. I think he might have got injured at some point but honestly it’s very hard to keep track.
I don’t like to whine about referee calls
But I’m about to whine about referee calls. Two weeks in a row bad equivocal calls have taken away turnovers from the Bears. All while refusing to call holds on Khalil Mack, presumably because their arms are going to get tired. And then that A-Rob touchdown revocation...I honestly was sure it would be confirmed—at worst stand.
The Bears defense tho...
They played better in the first two weeks than most people gave them credit for. And I was optimistic they would get things together against a Falcons team without Julio Jones. It’s funny how the Bears rarely reward my optimism.
Trubisky’s pocket absence may prove to be unsurmountable
I’ll be the first to admit that Trubisky showed more progress than I expected at the start of this season. But he’s always struggled with pocket presence and it certainly reared its ugly head in this game. If he gets more play action opportunities and quick reads, this issue will be covered up, but at this point it’s hard to believe it will go away.
#LEGS4DAYS
Dats my biscuit dats my biscuit dat is my mistar biscuittttt.
Update: Alas, poor Biscuit. I knew him, Horatio.
Jimothy! Jimothy! Jimothy!
James “Jimothy” Graham is showing his end zone presence. I always believed he would be a regular cast member on the End Zone Show this season, but his absence on episode two had me worried for a minute. Say what you will about Ryan Pace botching a 2 out of 3 chance at a franchise quarterback, he got a STEAL on this all star octogenarian for 8M AAV.
It might have been a little early to get excited about our offensive line
One of the worst defenses in the NFL blew the Bears O-line up. Honestly, this “improvement” was one of the few things that I was holding on to for hope that this could be a good season for the Bears. I’m not really feeling that hope right now.
Hellooo Nicholas
Mitch Trubisky hasn’t played a good third quarter all season, so I suppose it made sense to put “fancy weiner” Nick Foles in after Biscuit threw his first pick of the game in the third quarter. Fun fact, the Eagles didn’t build a statue of Nick Foles because he won a super bowl for him. They built it to commemorate how well he impersonates a statue when he tries to scramble. Foles started out rough but pulled together a magical finish to a truly perplexing game.
So that third down fix?
I might have been a little too eager to praise the Bears for improving their 3rd down conversion rate. They started 1 of 7 on 3rd down conversions before the Nick Foles to Allen Robinson touchdown interception.
And Tarik Cohen gets injured???
I’m glad he at least got paid first, but it looked like there was both a twist and some significant anterior-directed force against a fixed leg. An ACL tear would not surprise me at all.
Zoom quotes of the day
“I feel like Nick Foles is just going to make me drink more.” - Steven Schweikert. “At least we have dogs.” - Also Steven Schweikert. “Foles will screw up in a boring way; Trubisky will screw up in an exciting way.” - Whiskey Ranger
Tashaun Gipson
Dat’s a good bear. Dat is a good Bear.
There’s no doubt the national media will call the Bears pretenders after their shaky 3 and 0 start, and they’ll have every right to. If the Bears want respect, they’ll need to take a cue from Pretenders lead singer Chrissie Hynde and do something to “make you make you make you noticeee.”
The Bears winning like this has to stop. Don’t get me wrong. The winning is allowed to continue. They multiple heart-wrenching quarters on the way is the problem.