It was 1992 when 80’s pop sensation Madonna chose to oblige every teenage boys dream and bear it all in the erotic thriller "Body of Evidence." Yet it turned into a weird, dramatic, turn-off as the Willem Dafoe was cast alongside her. The two artists, who are both pretty good in their own right, were catastrophic together. Perhaps Oscar Wilde was correct in his assertation that, "Life imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life." The 1992 Chicago Bears had the remnants of a straight sexy 1985 defense with Mongo, Dent, & Singletary still in place but ended up an ugly 5-11 under Coach Ditka. Thus prompting the McCaskey Mafia to go looking, just like Madonna, for the "Next Best Thing."

Enter weird, dramatic, turn-off: Dave Wannstedt

Wannstedt was the Defensive Coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys for the previous four seasons where he turned a 4th worst defense on a 1-15 team into the 5th best defense on a 13-2 team and eventual Super Bowl champions. Swooned by his ability to not implode a defense with a completely stacked roster on both sides of the ball, the McCaskey’s figured they struck gold. Unfortunately, had they considered the body of evidence, they probably would have passed on Wanny and the nightmare he produced here in Chicago would have never seen the light of day.

Nagy is as good as gone, Pace more than likely will be ousted as well – although I am not entirely sure he will be. So how can the McCaskey’s choose the next predecessor without falling into the same trap? Simple, examine the body of evidence. And since we are all aware of the McCaskey’s inability to do so, I took on that responsibility for them to determine if the next head coach of the Beloved is there for the taking.

To start things off, I compiled a list of every OC currently in the NFL since we are "Desperately Seeking" a coach that will take full advantage of Fields ability. Taking away everyone hired in 2021 that had no prior coordinator experience, also taking away well-duh's Bill Lazor, Jason Garrett, and McDoucheBag, that leaves a fairly uninspiring list at first glance. However with some "Dick Tracy" detective work, I was able to compile the list into 4 tiers based entirely on the body of evidence.

The Board:

Swept Away" – Ample evidence, don’t want to see

Tim Kelly has been with the Texans offense in some capacity since 2014. He worked with a different starting QB each year until Watson shows up. Fitpatrick (2014), Hoyer (2015), Osweiler (2016), Savage (2017). And just like the others in this category, there’s nothing I desire here.

Darrell Bevell

Pat Shurmur

Pete Carmichael

Anthony Lynn

Shane Steichen

"Dangerous Game" – Ample evidence, inconclusive

Brian Daboll comes from the Belichick coaching tree, which hasn’t exactly produced good fruit. He was part of 3 Super Bowl championships as their WR coach from 2002-2006. From there he went to the Jets as a QB coach where he worked with Kellen Clemens (2007) and Brett Favre (2008). He then worked as OC of the Browns for two seasons, Miami’s OC for a season, the Chiefs OC for a season, then back to the Pats for 4 more years as a TE coach where he picked up 2 more Super Bowl rings. He left to the collegiate ranks with Alabama in 2017 as their OC & QB coach, then on to his present stint as the Bills OC. For the sake of brevity, I will look at his time with the Jets. Working with a disaster in Kellen Clemens followed by a HOFer in Favre should give us an idea of his effectiveness when we compare their statistical data over their career with their time spent under Daboll’s guidance. Kellen Clemens played to his starting statistical average under Daboll. Low 50% comp rate with a 1:2 TD to INT ratio. Brett Favre also played to his starting statistical average under Daboll. So it goes with the remaining players he has coached over the years. His scheme doesn’t elevate players, but it appears his scheme fits anyone. Who knows what would happen if given the reigns with a legitimate, young, franchise QB.

Nathaniel Hackett starts in Buffalo as an OC with EJ Manuel, followed by Kyle Orton. Another Greg Olson sighting as he is the co-OC for Blake Bortles two best seasons. The Bortles regresses for two seasons under his tutelage as OC. And from there he heads to coach the Packers offense as their OC with QB Rodgers. I’m just not sold on his ability to take a young, talented QB and do something significant, but then again, EJ Manuel isn’t exactly molding material.

"Who’s That Girl" – Little evidence, unknown commodity

Byron Leftwich started his coaching career with the Cardinals in 2017 as a QB coach. He then became the OC in 2018 and jumped ship to the Bucs in 2019 as their OC. He oversaw Jameis Winston’s best year as a pro, and has since "coached" Tom Brady.

Brian Callahan – He coached Stafford in 2016 and 2017. Stafford did see a statistical drop of nearly 1000 yards after he left. So maybe there’s some connection? He coached Carr in 2018, but Carr saw no difference the following year. Since 2019 he’s handled the Bengals… so whatever you want to make of that.

Kellen Moore has handled the QB room as a coach/OC since 2018. Dak Prescott was already there for two seasons before his arrival, but he helped him to his best statistical season as a pro in 2019. Since then, ummmmm?

Kevin O’Connell was with the WFT in 2017-2019 where he coached the final year of Kirk Cousins, the pre-injury Alex Smith, and Case Keenum. From there he went to the Rams in 2020 where he has been a bit of an enigma considering McVeigh operates that offense for the most part.

Joe Brady is simply too green. I would hope they don’t consider him. He could be the coach of the future, but with only one and a half seasons as an OC, I would not be interested.

Scott Turner’s first serious assignment was Teddy Bridgewater’s first two seasons in Minnesota, where he turned up roses on a very average QB and got him his only Pro-Bowl nod. Then on to Cam Newton’s final season in Carolina where he was less than stellar, followed by Kyle Allen in his only notable season as a pro. After that he heads to WFT where he attempts the Alex Smith reclamation project (which isn’t great) and is a budding magician this year with Taylor Heinicke.

"A League of Their Own"

Eric Bienemy needs more consideration as a head coach. His body of evidence is IMPRESSIVE. As a running back coach for the Chiefs he has produced a Pro-Bowl running back with Jamaal Charles 2013 & 2014, helped Charcandrick West and Spencer Ware to career bests in 2015 & 2016, and oversaw Kareem Hunt’s Pro-Bowl rookie campaign of 1,782 yards from scrimmage. And after the Bears poached Nagy, who never called plays for Mahomes, Bienemy became the OC that gave Mahomes a 5,000 passing yard rookie season. And before all that? He turned the Vikings Chester Taylor into a 1200 yard rusher in 2006. And he then helps Adrian Peterson through his first 4 year as a pro with 3 Pro-Bowl nominations and 2 All-Pro nominations. He should be at the top of the list.

Greg Roman gave Alex Smith his best year as a 49er, and the transition to Kaep in his first 3 years which were his most successful. He then heads to Buffalo and helps Tyrod Taylor to a Pro-Bowl and his best two seasons as a pro. From there he heads to the Ravens and develops the Lamar Jackson/Mark Andrews connection. He should be right up there with Bienemy in consideration for the HC position.

Greg Olson has an extensive career with unexciting QB’s. He helped Blake Bortles to his two best seasons and Jared Goff to his first Pro-Bowl season. In 2014 he ushered in Derek Carr’s rookie season, which was decent. And he turned chicken poop into chicken salad with Josh Freeman for 3 years in Tampa. Honestly, he shows he can work magic with nothing. Imagine what he does with Fields?

Alex Van Pelt is Greg Olson’s twin. He was the QB coach for Freeman when Olson was OC. Interestingly he went on to the Packers and helped Eddie Lacy get a Pro-Bowl nod in his rookie season as their running back coach. He then became the Packers QB coach and helped Rodgers to his second All-Pro season. With experience in all facets of the offense, he should be considered.