Winners:

The (Da) Chicago Bears

I came into tonight feeling pre-emptively jealous of whatever team ended up with Justin Fields. Fields was the second best quarterback in this draft for everyone who didn’t overthink things. Fields is smart, arguably even more athletic than Staley himself, and accurate as a paternity test. And like that paternity test, some people seem to have a need to deny his veracity despite overwhelming evidence. In 2017, I convinced myself to be hopeful about Trubisky. Today, I’m having to talk myself down from my euphoria about Fields and it’s not working.

I can’t neglect to mention the huge boon to Ryan Pace’s reputation and the huge opportunity for Matt Nagy to show what he’s made of. I’ve had my moments of doubting both of them. When it comes to Pace, those moments have been long and indulgent. But they are both smart people who have shown interest in learning from their mistakes and right now I feel like giving them some rope.

Allen Robinson

Justin Fields is the best quarterback Allen Robinson will have ever had in his entire college and pro career and it isn’t close. Fun fact: I think it’s silly when people say “it isn’t close” because it usually is close and is just a lazy way for people to add emphasis to their claim. In this case, it’s as far apart as a Christian Hackenberg throw from its target.

Darnell Mooney

Justin Fields is the best quarterback Darnell Mooney will have ever had in his entire career. Of note, Fields will be able to hit Moon-Bear in the paws when he gets open deep.

49ers Fans & Trey Lance

After multiple weeks of likely gut-churning anxiety for 49ers fans, ultimately their team chose hope over mediocrity. Trey Lance, in his right, was drafted as high as he could have possibly dreamed after one season of starting at Whatever Dakota State. He’s also landed with the offensive coach who has gotten more out of quarterback’s than anyone in the league. I’m excited to watch the Bears beat this team in multiple NFC championships in the years to come.

Mac Jones

Sure, he wasn’t draft 3rd overall. But that wasn’t a credible outcome to the people who watched “the tape.” Instead, he lands with a coaching staff that wrote the blueprint for how minimally athletic quarterbacks with accuracy and grit can dominate this league.

Tigers everywhere

Clemson Tiger Trevor Lawrence was drafted 1st overall. Then, LSU Tiger Ja’Marr Chase was drafted 5th to be paired with his former Tiger teammate, Joe Burrow on the...wait for it...Cincinnati Bengals. If you didn’t know, Bengals are just fancy Tigers. It would take a lot miracle for Tigers to usurp Bears as the top mascot in sports, but they still had a good night tonight.

Losers:

The Packers

Aaron Rodgers wants to leave the Packers and they didn’t even find a way to trade him for a potential replacement franchise quarterback. Instead they overdrafted a round 2 corner. Also, their biggest rival just drafted a future multi-super-bowl-winning franchise signal caller. Rough.

The Dallas Cowboys

This year was actually the first time that literally every mock draft had the same player (Patrick Surtain II) drafted to the same team (The Dallas Cowboys). Instead, both of the top 2 corners were swiped up before the Cowboys' pick. They pivoted to a genius alternative plan: trade back to 12 with the Eagles, and then after the Giants draft a non-QB, trade back with a QB-needy team for even more capital then draft Greg Newsome or Caleb Farley late. But Dave Gettleman stuck it to them by trading back for the first time in his glorious career, with the Chicago Bears (have I mentioned this yet). There was no QB of value left on the board for the Cowboys to use as trade bait and they ended up having to draft a linebacker with off-field concerns and pray for a fall on CBs in the second round. Good luck, ‘boys.

Nicholas Foles and Andrew Dalton

If you thought you were the Bears “QB1” or “QB2” coming into tonight, I’ve got bad news for you. It's worse if you’re the type that has the reputation of being a “good guy” and “team player” and now you have to coach up a rookie who is literally a million times more talented than you ever were. Sorry, booboos. Suck it up and be a good bear, though please.

The ”New” England Patriots

Bill Belichick is the best coach in NFL history. He also has an ego, and watching his obnoxious protégé win a Super Bowl ring without him must have made Billy desperate to find his replacement. Mac Jones has some tools and the same physical limitations as Tom Brady, but he doesn’t have the same insatiable fire in his heart and he’ll unfortunately flame out before he ever ignites a blaze of glory.

The Mock Draft Industrial Complex

I mean, they even had me believing that the 49ers would actually take Mac Jones at 3. And they certainly knew that Alex Leatherwood would be drafted after Christian Darrisaw, Tevin Jenkins, Sam Cosmi, and maybe even Jaylen Mayfield. Also, WR4 was a close battle between Rashon Bateman and Elijah Moore, but Kadarious Toney would be a day two afterthought. If anyone suggested that Dave Gettleman would trade BACK to draft Kadarious Toney at 20 they would have been literally mocked into a shame cave.

And finally, the winner I have neglected to mention at this point is me. Also you, your cool niece, and everyone who cheers for the Chicago Bears and wants a reason to believe. We have one now, and it’s better than anything we’ve had in years. Take a deep breath, and laugh with unexpected glee as you exhale. Good things CAN happen to good people. Bear down, beautiful booboos.