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‘Madden 23’ ratings for Bears players are coming out, and I’m enraged

I’m shaking with anger.

Chicago Bears v Minnesota Vikings Photo by Stephen Maturen/Getty Images

I haven’t slept in days. My house is flooded with garbage, my performance at my job is struggling, and my therapist is genuinely concerned about my inability to fixate from one specific thing.

Player ratings for the new ‘Madden NFL 23’ video game are coming out, and as a Bears fan, I am utterly disgusted with the overalls given to some of their key players.

My mom is telling me that I’m “overreacting to ratings that I can easily edit myself if I really wanted to”, and my two-year-old son explained that he is “concerned for [my] extreme reactions over such trivial information” and that I’m “showing signs of a much more serious issue that [I] will never admit to because [I’m] afraid that [my] admission of wanting help will be perceived as weakness”.

But when I saw that Darnell Mooney was given only a 79 overall rating, I lost all faith in humanity.

And on top of that, David Montgomery wasn’t a top-10 running back? Dazz Newsome was only a 67 overall? This is just more proof that the national media hates the Bears.

I get that I’ve been complaining about the Bears’ wide receiver groups all offseason, but the fact that ‘Madden’ is agreeing with me by giving that unit one of the worst collective grades in the game makes me mad. Even though I’ve predicted that Chicago would make it into the playoffs for each of the last 10 seasons and have been wrong 8 times, I feel like this roster that didn’t make significant investment in proven veteran talent will be the group to turn things around. Shame on EA Sports for having an opinion that’s different from mine.

It’s going to be a tough couple of weeks for me. I might spend time on Reddit calling journalists and bloggers “clowns” because I have nothing better to do with my life than to exude negative energy towards people who are actually being productive with their own lives. You’ll also be seeing plenty of “CreamGod69” belittling EA Sports developers and attacking them as people for not saying enough good things about my favorite team, that’s for sure.

Nothing matters more than ‘Madden’ ratings when determining how good a player actually is. If EA Sports doesn’t realize that and that the Bears are actually way better than they (and many respected NFL analysts, but that doesn’t matter) say they are, I might not even buy the game this year.

I won’t forget about this. That is, I won’t forget about it for a few days, after which it will mean nothing to me, and I’ll end up paying $60 on the game anyway.